Sizzling in Singapore

Why I Write

2009-04-25T23:54:00.001+08:00

I have always been writing. I believe in the power of words. The way words can evoke emotions or inspire great ideas. The way words shape not only what we think but the way we think. Words also allow us to partake in the divine - it allows us to create. I am no artist and cannot paint or draw. The realm in which I create is the world of words.

Writing has also allowed me to chronicle my journey. Being inquisitive and slightly self-indulgent, putting my thoughts down in an almost daily journal has allowed me snapshots of myself at various points in my life and how I processed things. Reading old journals now allows me to see how my brain is hard-wired. It allows me to see areas where it looks like I’ve grown and allowed me to see patterns of thinking and patterns of behaviour. As my brain is the pilot for this earthly journey of maybe around 40 more years on this planet, I’d love to see where it takes me. I’d love to see how decisions that I’ve processed in my journal will translate in the real world. How seemingly small and innocuous decisions, become planks on a bridge that lead to a certain direction. I’ve already witnessed this - how a whimsical decision to maybe apply for grad school led to a life outside my home country. How a decision to join a particular class in college allowed me to meet certain persons who became lifelong friends. How a yes to a random call by a headhunter led me to my job. There are so many what ifs. What if I signed up for another class? What if I decided not to take the call. When I write these things down, it makes aware that seemingly small decisions lead to big things. I set down below the reasons why I write.

It helps me remember.

Memory fails me. I might colour my memories and remember things as I wish to remember them and not the way they happened. I am a seeker of truth and a historian at heart so it is important to me to chronicle the past accurately.

It allows me to process.

Setting things down allows me to isolate the issue, troubleshoot it and analyze it to death. I then let it go and come back to it when I’m in a more receptive frame of mind.

It allows me to share my life.

If there’s anything I’ve learned over the past couple of years, it is that we are more similar than we are different. Or that even if we are different, these differences allow us to challenge our moral compass and what we would have thought were strongly-held beliefs. How boring life would be if we all thought the same way. I have been lucky to have friends from different backgrounds and cultures. Our differences allow us to be interesting to each other but certain important similarities like core values or major interests allow us to explore activities, books, trips, food, movies, music, inane stories, important life experiences and things which make us feel alive. In doing so we enrich each other’s lives and makes the car ride through life more interesting. I love having wonderful conversations. Writing is another way to have a long conversation.

It allows me to truly engage life. (Personally, the most important reason for me.)

If you’re having a dry spell in terms of writing it usually means you are uninspired and uninterested in life. Writers are inquisitive creatures. We like pursuing thoughts and ideas. We want to skim underneath the surface and discover things. We are addicted to eureka moments. We want to be actively engaged in a life worth writing about or experiencing things worth setting down.

It develops self-awareness.

Since it is YOUR THOUGHTS that are being recorded, a necessary side-effect of writing is self-discovery. It is important to know one’s self in order to make decisions that will allow us to be happy.

Do you write? What’s your story? Maybe it’s time to explore the world of words and create a life worth writing about.

I wish to dance and find music in my life again

2009-03-22T01:21:00.002+08:00

There is something about daily drudgery and countless battles with "those who do not believe in what is right" that wears a spirit down. I feel like Tinker Bell who's lost her glow and has no pixie dust left to allow anyone to fly. The corporate rat race has eaten bits of my soul until I no longer recognize the blogs of the Prata Princess.

It is a time of growth. A different stage in life where I find myself making even more difficult choices (it doesn't seem to get any easier!).

Now, however, it truly is a choice. It is no longer life handing things fait accompli into my lap. I find myself belatedly having to rechart my course. All I pray for is a trusty wind, fair weather and a map.

On more mundane news, I've gotten myself a Mac so am inspired to write again.

I am seizing the reins and getting life back on track.

Seasons Change

2008-05-11T10:10:00.007+08:00

My free-wheeling, gallivanting days are over.

I've now got more responsibilities at work. Am in the midst of renegotiating my lease. And the universe appears to be conspiring to kick my butt out of my comfort zone and stretching me a bit more.

I'll be the first to admit that I have been living hippie days - out of office by 6, dance classes, going to the gym, going out with friends, traveling and indulging in photography (I was out of Singapore for a total of 5 weeks last year!). In fact, this time last year, I was enjoying man candy and of course the architecture of Paris! La dolce vita!! I was using my day job to finance my dabbling into whatever caught my interest. Well, my happy blissful days are over. Commitment-aversement and responsibility avoidance are no longer possible for me. My mindset has also changed. I've become more focused. I don't say yes to everything. I am more measured and I put a lot more thought into my decisions.

Okay let's be honest here. I was never truly hedonistic. But, the last couple of years have seen me breaking loose after being "trapped" in an 8 year relationship and a job that was sucking the life out of me. Could I be blamed for wanting to get my groove back? Who would have thought that corporate Singapore would allow me the work-life balance that I never knew I wanted?

Despite the imminent threat to my work-life balance, I am finding myself challenged. Scared but excited. I know that the challenges ahead will push me. Fortunately, age has given me the perspective and the temperament to look at these challenges and apply my mind to making things work. In tagalog, may diskarte na ako ngayon.

Life continues to be interesting. You really never know what life will hand you. But someone said, if life gives you lemons, make lemonade. That's my Prata Princess motto for now.

C'est la vie! In the meantime, enjoy my "Seasons Change" shot of downtown Tokyo taken in January.

It's a Kind of Magic

2008-04-14T00:05:00.003+08:00

Blown away by "We Will Rock You" which reminded me about my love affair with rock music and why I will always have some Pink Floyd, Guns n Roses, Nirvana and of course Queen on my mp3. I am half in love with MiG Ayesa, who has just gotten better since Rockstar Inxs. I picked up MiG's CD in Manila a year and half ago and caught bits of Rockstar Inxs on YouTube. But hearing and seeing him live is something else! The vibe, the passion, the angst, the confusion...he can act and sing and he looks damn hot.

But enough of MiG. We Will Rock You had a crazy effect on me today. Maybe it was because it was surreal to be at a rock show on what is supposed to be a lazy afternoon. The bass, dancing and music just reminded me about how magical moments are created when someone is just so passionate about what they're doing and how passion transforms the mundane into something that hits you in the gut, spits you out and makes you feel alive. I've been lucky to discover that utter feeling of being alive in the present moment, in the two passions that I've been nurturing since last year: photography and flamenco. I haven't been published for my photography. For now, I take photos only for myself to accompany my journals and writings. It's still something very intimate and intense. However, being a socially creature, I have been happy to be able to share my love for dance by performing publicly at a flamenco show last February. It wasn't a stellar performance, I really felt naked and vulnerable on stage and all I could do to clothe myself with was being immersed in the music and just allowing it to flow through me. I go for my second public performance soon and I'm having the time of my life. In keeping with the Queen theme, I'll have to end with this....

The bell that rings inside your mind
It’s challenging the doors of time
This flame that burns inside of me
I’m hearing secret harmonies
The bell that rings inside your mind
It’s challenging the doors of time
It’s a kind of magic

Still alive and kicking, ma'am!

2008-03-29T11:47:00.005+08:00

I am still alive and kicking in Singapore! I have a resolution to renew ties with friends I've lost touch with and to start writing again. Will also share my adventures since my last blog, the biggest highlight of which was my two week adventure in Japan where I did a day hike all by myself! That trip pushed boundaries for me and I've never felt more alive! Back home in Singapore, I've been nurturing two new hobbies: photography (I finally committed to an SLR which captured my Japan adventure) and flamenco (complete with a public performance in February)!

Still evolving and still kicking ass (although in a mellower way). Details and photos coming up soon. Am off to dance class! Ole!

P.S. In keeping with (what I just realise) seems to be a theme of photos of bridges on my blog, enjoy the "Golden Gate Bridge" taken from Odaiba, Tokyo.

Bridges

2007-06-18T00:28:00.000+08:00

Just came from a two week holiday and was blown away by the places I saw, people I met, and of course, the food! Prata Princess left her heart in Paris and Venice and Florence and Rome and had a videoke moment on every bridge in every city. Thoughts from the trip coming soon but in the meantime, enjoy the pictures.

Blading in Bishan

2007-03-28T23:35:00.000+08:00

As part of my get-fit resolution for 2007, I started in-line skating lessons last weekend. It was SO MUCH FUN. I cannot tell you how much I enjoyed it. I really felt like a kid. Though I must tell you the kids kicked ass as they skated around us. My co-blading partner Miki and I are proud to say that during the entire hour it was zero-falls. Well technically this kid crashed into Miki but that doesn't count!

I have snaps of us on the ground learning how to fall properly...apparently there's an art to it. But, instead, let me share with you snaps of the lovely Bishan Park where we had our lessons.

Paris Je T'aime

2007-02-20T22:32:00.000+08:00

Sometimes a movie just comes along and totally blows you away. Paris Je T'aime is one of them.

Quotable quote: There are times when life calls out for a change. A transition. Like the seasons. Our spring was wonderful, but summer is over now and we missed out on autumn. And now all of a sudden, it's cold, so cold that everything is freezing over. Our love fell asleep, and the snow took it by surprise. But if you fall asleep in the snow, you don't feel death coming. Take care.

From Champagne and Caviar to Bread and Water on my Birthday

2007-02-20T08:58:00.000+08:00

Like an Indian wedding, my birthday took 5 days to celebrate. And the celebrations were as eclectic and multi-faceted as the birthday girl herself.

Started off with dinner at the French Stall with the Biblia girls plus the roomie. As usual, we brought the house down with our insane chatter and irreverent laughter. I think we've made it a habit to traumatize every resto we go to by kicking up a storm. Well, this time the owner of the resto was a lovely French man who, I guess, appreciated our joie de vivre and took care of us very sweetly. Trudged along home happily after having all sorts of yummy stuff like snails and duck liver!

Then, when I got home, roomie surprised me with a bouquet of flowers on my bed and a set of gifts which were truly fantastic that I blurted out, "If you were a guy, you'd be the perfect boyfriend!" It really takes a gal to know what another gal likes.

The following night was a pizza take-away dinner for another set of Biblia friends. Sat night was yet another pizza take-away, drinking party with some NUS friends. Ahh, but this time a Russian friend brought along some lovely caviar and champagne! With all the alcohol floating around, the conversation/debates were as varied as discussing the CPF, sex, relationships and what you would do if money were not an issue. Of course, the boys excelled when it came to money and sex issues and the girls took the cake in discussing the intricacies of relationships (the guys just could not follow, I think). All in all, a chilled out way to spend a birthday. Ended with a happy buzz at 3 am cause I was going on a silent retreat the next day.

So, Days 4 and 5 of my bday celebrations were spent with the Lord. I really love silent retreats. It's just you and God. I spent mine with the Canossian sisters on top of one of the Bukit Batok hills in the west. I was very lucky to get a lovely and very isolated room where I had my own verandah overlooking the trees and with a view of another hill. I virtually spent those two days outdoors just looking at the trees and endless blue sky. By the morning of Day 2, my spiritual director was telling me how relaxed I looked. My retreat was not even spent reflecting on where I was in life or what I planned to do, it was just about being in a relationship and spending time with someone I really loved. I was just thankful for everything that I had received. I listened to religious music the whole time (there is nothing quite like Filipino religious music which ranges from reflective to celebratory) and allowed myself to just be grateful for the day, with no plans and no worries. Ate nothing but bread, water and cup noodles but felt fantastic.

I went back to reality yesterday afternoon and rejoined my friends for a chilled out DVD night.

Today is the last day of the Chinese New Year break, and it will be a little bit of takehome work, dropping off and picking up books in the library and a late afternoon jog with some friends in Labrador Park. That's my life for you: from champagne and caviar one day to bread and water the next. Either way, life is good!

What Men Want

2007-02-11T11:38:00.000+08:00

No, men are not dogs! That isn't why there's a dog featured on this post. A random conversation about my baby, Milo inadvertently inspired this post so it seemed fitting. Anyway, I digress so let me start by saying that in a way this is in response to my friend, Acid Jazz Boy's blog on the "Games We Play" or if not directly in response, is somewhat related.

I bumped into a friend I hadn't seen in two months and it was quite funny cause we met on the bus on the way to work at 9 and again on the way home later that day. This is how tiny this island is starting to be (and I've only lived here for three years). Being both dog-lovers, we traded stories on reuniting with our dogs when we both went home to our respective countries over the Christmas holidays. I told him that I bonded with Milo for the first two days of my Manila trip and did not make plans with anyone just so that I could spend time with my poor, neglected and unloved baby. (He is not an abused animal, it's just that no one loves him the way I do!) Going back, my friend was thinking of getting a dog in Singapore and tossed this line my way, "You never know, if it doesn't work out with this girl, I'll need the companionship." I gave him a look and he elaborated, "Don't get me wrong, it's going okay, it's just that she's Chinese and you know how these Chinese girls are - they don't talk." And me, being blunt, asked him, "Why are you with someone who doesn't talk?" I was of course, coming from my rather haughty world view that people who did not talk and had no opinions on anything were not worth knowing. In short, BORING. And he surprised me by saying, "Oh, that's what I love about her. She's a man in a woman's body. Very low-maintenance and not demanding at all." I smiled and this led him to toss in this gem of masculine thought that floored me, "That's why I'll never date a European again. They just yak, yak, yak." He puts his fist up and makes a "girl yakking" gesture with his hand. And honestly, my initial thought balloon was, "Oh crap, I'm a yakker." Then I remembered a recent article I read in the newspaper lately about how Westerners were drawn to the allure of the demure oriental girl, whose "eyes flash more with passion than intelligence."
If that's the ideal, then I'm screwed cause no way am I going to turn myself into an idealized caricature of "feminine modesty." And dude, I've got a law AND a Master's degree, I don't think I could fake dumb even if you tried to kill me. I'm sure I could try but it's like fitting a square peg into a circle. I was and always will be a semi-smart alecky nerd. I thought about this idealized woman and thought to myself isn't that a game that women play: dumb themselves down, lure a guy and lead him on by the nose very subtly after that?

Sigh.....if that is how the game is played, I'm cashing in my chips and walking away from the table. I am not going to play that game. Or, maybe as Acid Jazz Boy puts it, I just play it to a much lesser degree. And dude, honestly, with a game played like that, is the prize even worth it??

I guess the bottom line for me is that I don't play "that" game. Definitely, any relationship will have the push and pull of what I want versus what you want. And, not playing the game doesn't mean the relationship is boring. It just means it is what it is. I guess the reason I cannot relate to this entire game playing is that I've never really gone through long drawn-out pre-dating rituals. My relationships have always smoothly moved from courtship (ahhh, such an old world concept which I still value) to exclusive dating. Honestly, it's either it's there or it's not. Simple as that. Hmm, does that make me a man in a woman's body, then? Ha ha ha....

Cow-abunga

2007-02-07T22:36:00.000+08:00

Nothing to post but here's my little cash cow!

Mga Hang Up ng Panganay

2007-01-25T23:04:00.000+08:00

One of my roles in life is being "ate" to three sisters. To be brutally honest, this is a role I have neglected. The thing is, I've never really been called upon to fill in this position. As children, I'd be the responsible ate when the parents were away but that responsibility slowly lifted when I went off to university and lived on-campus for four years. After that, I was sucked into the black hole that is law school and only reclaimed my life after another four years. By then, I was in the middle of a very serious relationship and was psyching myself to pass the bar and join the best law firm in Manila. That left very little time for my sisters, who in the meantime, had claimed their lives with friends and school. I was the stranger who stumbled in exhausted late at night and commandeered the remote control on weekends.

Then tragedy struck when one of my sisters was diagnosed with a life-altering illness. I saw how my sister who was closest to her suffered tremendously. I saw how my parents were shattered. I was simply in denial. These things happened in movies, they happened to other people but not to me. Selfishly, all I could think of was how this how would affect my life. I saw it as a burden. It is still something I struggle with. But strangely, it was this tragedy that brought me closer to my other sisters. We cried, we strugged, we survived - as sisters.

This tragedy allowed me to see my biggest obstacle, which was my hang up about the supposed superiority of being the "oldest sister". As the eldest, I always carried a sense of confidence and self-entitlement that, unfortunately, my parents reinforced. My sisters always sensed this, hence, the slight resentment. Frankly, I was the center of my universe. It was when I learned to let go about my preconceived notions about being the ate and focused more on being a friend that my relationships with my sisters deepened. Paradoxically, being in Singapore has helped, more than hindered our relationship. Since I took up so much "space" and attention in the family, my leaving Manila allowed my sisters to step up and fill in the "void" that I left. I noticed the subtleties in the interactions between my sisters and my parents and realised that my absence allowed them to breathe.

I dedicate this blog to my sisters. I may not always be the ate you deserve and I know that I can do better, but I am thankful that God has brought you into my life as my sisters. You challenge me to be a more generous person. I am with you sa hirap at sa ginhawa....hay, time to bring out the box of tissues.

Mooing into 2007

2007-01-14T22:53:00.000+08:00

Spent two weeks in Manila. Not too long, not too short....just right.

In previous years I've been totally O.C. about my holidays. I would send an email announcing my return and fix up dates with friends to meet up. This year however, I had no inclination to book (or rather overbook) my holiday and just decided to play it by ear. My decision not to make plans ahead of time paid off big time as I ended up spending a few days in Boracay (unplanned gimmicks are the best!) spending quality time with my cousins and my 8-month old niece. Boracay is still beautiful. The sand is whiter and softer than I remember.

Lesson: Don't overplan. Leave enough spaces for other things or people to fill.

I'm taking this philosophy with me in 2007, which so far is shaping up well. By not cramming my days with too many things to do, I allow myself to be available to other people. It also gives me more time for me. That's why I feel very rested over this weekend. I cleaned the house, made Waldorf salad, hosted Biblia, went to mass, watched Season 3 of Grey's, called my mom, emailed friends, talked to a friend who I was mad at but had eventually forgiven, and just chilled out.

Spiritually, it's also been good. I've been journaling every night and Biblia is still very much a major part of my life. The first Biblia of the year was held in my house and it was good to reconnect with my Biblia family.

Health-wise I've been to the gym at least 4 times already. It takes what, 30 days, to create a habit? Well that's the plan to get myself back in shape. I've done 2 cardio sessions and 2 yoga classes. I've forgotten how fantastic I feel after a good yoga session. Which is probably why insomnia is now a thing of the past as I am now asleep within 5 minutes of hitting the bed.

I've even wisened up financially. Roomie and I each got ourselves a piggy bank (well mine's a cow which moos when you drop coins in, hers oinks) and have resolved to put at least $2 a day. I've been very good thus far: no cab rides and no fancy lunches. The plan is to moo my way into 2007.

That's the story 14 days into the new year. Let's see what and who will fill the spaces that I'm keeping open.

What Lies Beneath

2006-11-22T23:09:00.000+08:00

My mother has been very unhappy with my recent travel destinations.

Earlier this year I went to Songhkla in southern Thailand which was bombed last year and later this year. Then I went to Bali quite close to the October anniversary of the bombings for a chilled out long weekend. What puzzles me is how peaceful and gracious the people were in these places. I felt absolutely safe taking tuk-tuks to the neighboring provinces of Songhkla. Bali had this absolutely spiritual vibe and calmness that seems so totally at odds with the mayhem of the Bali bombings. And yet, these two places have seen such brutality. These were acts of hate which were done in places where I felt so much spirituality and warmth. It really made me think about the violence that lies beneath our civilized surface. We truly are capable of so much ugliness. But, I am also inspired by the beauty that can be produced by the human spirit. I end this brief blog by sharing with you a snap I took of the palace courtyard which can be seen from the Lotus Cafe in Ubud, Bali. It is absolutely gorgeous. They have traditional Balinese dancers performing just at the palace entrance which you can reach from the restaurant via a moat. Straight out of a movie. This is what the human spirit should be about.

[Coming soon......"My 3rd OFW Christmas"]

The Prata Princess Flips!

2006-09-16T18:11:00.000+08:00

Well....two universe-shaking events:

1. I've switched jobs.

2. I'm in lurrrrv!

I am definitely sharing about item no. 1, but not item no. 2, since it is:

1. a work-in-progress;

2. too close to my heart; and

3. something I am deathly scared to think about too much.

Suffice it to say that for the first time in my adult life, I have allowed myself to become emotionally attached to someone who did not first declare himself. It's a novel experience for me as I've always allowed myself to fall for someone only after honorable intentions had been declared. It is quite strange to be on the other side of the fence. So this is how guys feel when they are interested and don't quite know how the wind is blowing. But enough of that.....this is too important to jinx so shhhhh for now!

New job! Yup. I've finally decided to make the huge cross-over to in-house practice. I will be working for the Singapore subsidiary of an American group of companies. The next couple of months are going to be tough as I'll have to adjust to a whole different culture and different way of doing things. But, after my baptism of fire, I expect to have a better quality of life. Overall it's a much better package than what I currently have. Yet, this was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. Previously, I was quite eager to leave my old jobs so it was a no-brainer to say yes. This time, I actually did not look for a job, but the job just came. It was hard because I had invested so much in my current job and I was very, very appreciated and valued. It was very difficult to keep saying that my mind was made up. It was made worse by the fact that it came as a total shock to everyone in my current office. Well, the dust has settled and everyone now seems to have accepted it. I don't think any bridges have been burned. But my headhunter (who recruited me for this job) is currently on my firm's hate list! But life is short and at the end of the day, it is my life. I cannot make decisions based on the expectations of others. I know some people got hurt by this decision but it's my life. The ones who count love me. As Papa put it, "Good, you'll meet more people and give me an apo!" Ahhh, that made me laugh out loud but also teary-eyed. Papa just wants me to be happy. Isn't it great to be loved so unconditionally by your parents? It's the best feeling in the world.

What was the clincher in helping me make this huge decision? I asked myself a very simple and concrete question: What was the happiest day of your life Prata Princess? A day so happy you'd live it over and over again. I scrolled through my life and realised it was not the day I graduated with honours from college or law school. It was not when I got my first job or the first time I discovered the birds and the bees. It was not even when I found out I got a scholarship to go to Singapore (that's in the top 5). My happiest day was when I fell in love again after losing faith in love. Cliche and very soap-opera-ish, but true. I am at my best in relationships. When I am in the present moment, whether it be with someone I am in a relationship with or with a friend, I am totally in that moment and with that person. Hence, I have to re-orient my life towards prioritizing people and making concrete decisions towards this goal of not just being available but actively making space in my life to create and nurture relationships.

This is also the reason why I am investing myself in this person (he he, couldn't resist going back to item no. 2). I am being an active participant and not just waiting. I have become (gah, I hate this term) pro-active.

Woohoo, so many changes this year: new house, new job, new guy. I have a funny feeling that everything that's happened to me before this was just a practice run for the main event. Three words: BRING IT ON!

My Half-Baked Universe Continues to Spin On

2006-08-15T23:28:00.000+08:00

Being of an age when most of my contemporaries are in long term relationships or married, coupledom is definitely on my to do list, much in the same way that I plan to see the Sagrada Familia or the Eiffel Tower. Meeting THE ONE and entering into a lifelong partnership are part of my life plans.

However, the Higher Being seems to be telling me to be a bit more patient. I've encountered yet another "might have been" in a universe of "could have beens" and I don't know if I should be cheesed off or comforted that the mythical "good guy" is still out there.

So what happened? I met someone. Not my type at all. Could not even remember his name. I even thought he was going to hit on me in a most unwholesome way. But, we ended up slow dancing and talking about the most unsuperficial things in the middle of the dance floor....for three hours. We talked about things I would never talk about with a stranger. Instead of the usual banter and the outrageous lines that a girl gets in a club, we ended up talking about life and the tiny space we inhabit, trying to make sense of it all. It was sweet, lovely, too short and...this story ends tragically.

Tragedy number 1: he's leaving my tiny island for good this week. And he lives far, far away where it's cold and white and everyone is blonde.

Tragedy number 2: I admit I lost him because I couldn't remember where I left him. I am told however that losing people in this particular club isn't unusual. Given the mad amounts of alcohol I had taken in, all's fair in the universe of the tipsy and drunk. I hope he isn't too pissed off. So, I had to leave him at 5:00 a.m. without saying goodbye.

Tragic? F---ing tragic.

When is this friggin' merry go round going to end?

Ahhh, but you know me. This blog isn't ending on a whiney note. Glass-half full is how I see the world. A dear friend had this hopeful little bit to share with me: the rigodon will end, the music will stop and you will find the right partner my dear Prata Princess.

The Vagabond Moves Again!

2006-07-16T09:08:00.000+08:00

Whew, I just moved houses (again!), but I think I've finally found a place that I'll be keeping for quite some time. Having moved 4 times within the last 2 years, I should be an expert at packing up and shifting, right? This last move however was excruciatingly painful. So many boxes, bubble-wrapping (uh, is 2 metres of bubble-wrap enough for one mug?), deciding what to toss out and what to keep and updating all your records. We were packing, literally until our movers came. Had to work til midnight just to free up my entire weekend for this move.

Being a pack rat, it is painful for me to chuck out stuff because "you'll never know when you'll need it" is my mantra. It's such a bad habit, that 6 years after finishing law school, I still have loads of stuff rotting away in a couple of drawers in Manila. I finally told my mom to just toss it out. Easier for someone else to do it. There's also an emotional bond that I have with 'my things' mind you, it's not materialism, it's just the comfort of being surrounded by the familiar and by things that remind you of who you are, what you've been through and....actually maybe I'm just too lazy to throw them away.

Anyway, why have I been moving so often? Well, grad school was really a temporary thing so I really was going to move out. Have been in crappy places where the only redeeming factor was the friends I made. I've lived in a lovely, quiet neighborhood where I had birds waking me up every morning. I've lived in the heartland where dogs wear booties and where you have to watch our for killer litter. Now, I think I've found a place that suits me perfectly. And let me tell you, roomie and I drove our agent crazy with our checklist. Had to be near an MRT, bus stop, mall, work, church, with a lift, no overhead bridges because of roomie's bad back...well, after only a week (but with lots of effort by my agent) we got our perfect condo! In fact, we got everything on our list and more...we are near Sentosa, near friends and it's got that vibe that tells you as soon as you walk in that THIS IS IT! Plus, a new mall is opening up across the road which is supposed to be Singapore's largest one. AND, a cool new club is opening nearby as well.

So, from being geographically undesirable, we are now in the heart of the city. And my mom would be proud, I decided to kill myself yesterday unpacking even with the lack of sleep. Roomie had never seen me at my absolute blurrest! Proud to say I only have my shoes to unpack and the house looks great!

Anyway, it's a lovely Sunday morning, off to a nice lunch with friends, Biblia, mass, a bit of shopping for stuff for the house and a lovely Indian dinner to cap it off. Lovely way to end the weekend.

Losing Control of Your Life

2006-06-18T15:07:00.000+08:00

The title sort of says it all. I have been working like a dog and this is the 3rd weekend in a row that I'll be working on both a Saturday and Sunday. I love my work but man, it has been taking over my life and that does not make me a very happy camper.

But, I really cannot complain. I have taken my share of holidays (back in Manila for a couple of days to spend Mother's Day with the family and spent a lovely weekend in Tioman with my NUS friends) so it's still pretty good.

Manila holiday was a blast. I actually surprised my sisters (my parents and I decided to make my homecoming a secret) and they screamed when I came home. My baby sis even cried! Waaah, that is what I call a surprise. My dad cannot keep a secret though. The entire week before I arrived he was dropping hints like, "Oh I wish ____ were here" and "Sayang wala dito si _____!" Men! After picking me up from the airport, we picked up the girls at home, then went straight to Bataan for a beach retreat. Someone had lent us a beach house and it was really such a great family holiday. No one got on each other's nerves. We were complete as a family, having dinner together, walking on the sand, cursing typhoon Caloy for sunless skies. It was great! I have a much better appreciation for my family now I don't live with them.

The weekend after my Manila trip, I hopped on a bus at the ungodly hour of 7 am and hied off to Tioman! That was absolutely fantastic! Snorkelled amongst the fishies (it was like being in the middle of a screensaver), lying on the beach and sleeping the whole day. The company was great! We did manage to wreak some havoc by destroying both the flush of the toilet and closing the shower so tightly no one could unscrew it the next morning. I told my trainer how our strength training had helped me destroy a shower. He was damn proud!

So, here I am on a Sunday....venting. But, being a responsible adult, I will quickly end this blog and go back to work.

I promise to blog more often.....Hmmm, this sounds like my empty promises to go to the gym more than once a week. Oh well!

P.S. Got other stories up my sleeve but am feeling guilty about blogging when I should be working, so I live to blog another day!

American Idol Fails Me Tonight

2006-03-29T22:15:00.000+08:00

I was watching the show and my thought bubble the entire time was, "Did I get sucked into an alternate universe? Have aliens taken over the Final 10?"

There is a magic to this show because there are stellar performances that just stay with you long after the show. The pixie dust was gone tonight. It was....a boring evening. It hurts me to say this as a die-hard AI fan, but I was just so disappointed!

First, song choices were totally off. I was watching Kellie and thinking her song was way too quirky. Hello, soap suds?

Second, what Simon calls the "wow" factor was missing. I will admit to having a soft spot for Ace because he can work it, and that entire soulful gazing-into-the-camera-as-if-you're-the-only-one-I'm-singing-to routine totally works for me. But, his latest performance did not send shivers down my spine. Far from his "Father Figure" performance. Dude, we need more substance from you.

Other comments on the performances: My all time fave Chris was a bit of a disappointment. I like Creed. I love rock and I love Chris. He will be making music professionally whatever happens on this show. But American Idol is American Idol, you do not do that kind of performance on a talent show! And, I'm starting to worry about his range. Chris, we need to see more of what you can do! Ryan's Celine Dion comment actually has a bit of merit. We need to see something different.

The only person who sent shivers down my spine was Elliot Yamin. I am starting to really like this guy: great sounding voice, personality, and even the dancing was endearing.

To sum it up, these contestants are on the hottest show on the planet. Being THE American Idol is supposed to be their heart's desire. So, they have to friggin SHINE at every performance! There are defining moments in life when you just have to fight. This show is a rare chance to live out a dream. Indulgent, cutesy performances totally not appreciated. The audience deserves so much more than the second rate performances of this utterly forgettable night.

Confessions of an Ex-Fattie

2006-03-08T23:39:00.000+08:00

I've disappeared from the blogosphere due to every adult's undeniable reality: work!

This blog has been long brewing in my head and is about something I've buried along with my unsavory past. There are parts which might be offensive so if you have issues about your weight, I suggest you stop reading here until I come up with another more Pleasantville type of blog. I will confess to something that people who know me now will find hard to believe....I was a fattie!

Yes, once upon a time, specifically 30 lbs ago, I was$ overweight. And for someone who's 5 feet flat there are no places to hide fat. Fat, fat, fat. I was fat. There is no cute word for it. I was a fat girl.

I was actually a very happy fattie. The main reason I gained weight? Again, another embarassing confession which I would never have admitted before....love! It was actually kinda cute. M and I fell in love, bonded through food and both became a rolly polly couple. Our idea of fun was to discover food havens that only true foodies would know about. We were devoted fans of Doreen Fernandez and would troop to the latest resto she'd recommend. Also, there is something very warm and fuzzy about being in a very secure long-term relationship that really just lends itself well to gaining weight.

How did I lose it? Again another big confession...heartbreak. Only heartbreak could make me look at food like an enemy. Only heartbreak would make me pound away on a Stairmaster in true Bridget Jones fashion. It was in fact an old joke M and I had. I used to tease him that I'd probably lose weight if we broke up. His retort would always be wouldn't you rather have me and be happy than be skinny? Sweet but, darn it, after everything I've been through and if I'd know better, I would choose skinny!!!!

In fact, I was never self-conscious about being a fattie until I faced heartbreak. Maybe being with someone in the haven of an almost-married type of relationship made me feel like I was loved for who I was anyway so no need to try so hard. Well, after being thrust into the cruel world of singleton again (which I never thought I'd return to), I surveyed the world and decided that the only way to survive an earth-shattering break-up would be to start dating. Reality check, looks matter. I was never going to be confident if I could not fit into the "dating clothes" that I had in mind. So, Fitness First became my second home, and the yoga ohm became my mantra. I lost it all in 6 months. I knew I had succeeded when I shocked my old officemates, when an ex-client did not recognize me, and when I had to get rid of every single item in my closet.

How does it feel now. Very different. Am vainer. There is a consciousness that comes with losing weight. It is because the world responds very differently to people who are not fat. Sad, but very true. Maybe a better way to put it would be that the world responds very differently to people who are confident. Maybe? But it sounds too PC and I don't buy it. The world will always be subtly anti-fattie. How can I sugar-coat this truth? When an extremely huge person goes on these reality shows, I must admit that a remark worthy of Simon's calibre (which I must always salute for wit and truth) is always at the back of my head. I always assume that the fattie will be voted off!

For the modern world that has the attention span of a 5 year old , fattie will always be an easy label to use. I am not saying that no one ever goes beyond what is skin deep but given the multitude of things competing for our interests and our very limited time, how many of us will be able to delve beneath the surface of a relationship and really get to know someone? How many people do we have the time to do that with? For the others who we will run out of time or opportunity to get to know, fat will be a convenient label.

I am not cruel, it is the world which is cruel. How do change that kind of mindset? You can try but it's hard. Why? Because being fat just does not work. Fat is not just a color (I'm not too much of a racist) but is something almost undebatably unappealing.

Hmmm, sounds like I hated being fat. Maybe I really did but my denial has become so deeply ingrained that I can no longer retrieve it. I don't remember being unhappy about my weight then. But now that I've lost weight and seen how well the world treats slim people, what can I say? I must be honest. The world loves skinny! Do I want to be adored by the world? Come on. We may not actually court the world's admiration but it feels darned good when the world confirms our worth.

Maybe I should pray and ask God what he makes of this....

Whirlwind Romances and Happily Ever Afters

2006-02-02T18:54:00.000+08:00

There's nothing quite like a looming birthday to get one into an introspective mood. With Coldplay reminding me that life goes on at the speed of sound and my room slowly darkening into sunset, I am reading through my old blogs and marvelling at how much has happened in just one year.

This time last year I was psyching myself up for a big birthday party. It was fantastic and so much fun. At that time I was on the brink of deciding what the next step would be: to stay in Singapore or go back to Manila. I was newly and intermittently single and trying to figure out my personal life. I was surviving on a student's stipend and living the flexible student lifestyle.

This year, I've happily adjusted to working life. If there is one thing I've learned last year, it's how to process major life decisions such as the choice of a job. I did not rush it, I was very patient. Or at least I tried to be. I weighed the decision carefully, prayed about it, listened to my gut instincts, deliberately put myself outside my comfort zone and waited. The process was painful, specially for someone whose life has always been characterized by certainty and who, to some extent, is a high-maintenance control freak. In hindsight, the process worked. I am in a job which I love. There is no other country or job that I should be at this very moment. There is no question in my mind, no uncertainty. Those are the rewards of an appropriately and patiently discerned decision-making process.

Now, having discovered the process which works, the challenge is to apply the process to other areas of my life. I am having some issues in using the process in my personal life. I have always been very impulsive in this area, making decisions on the fly and being very much in the moment. There always has to be some element of drama in the way in which I handle my personal life. In fairness to me, events in this area have a tendency to happen quickly and beyond my control. But, instead of tempering the drama, I tend to contribute as dramatically as well, which always makes for volatile situations. The reason I have been so attached to this overly dramatic way of doing things is that they have paid off. I think everyone secretly finds whirlwind romances fascinating. Well, almost all my relationships have been whirlwind romances, so if you are going to do a psychological profile me I'm one of those girls who throws caution to the wind when it comes to romance. All those historical romances and Mills and Boon have screwed up my head.

But, after all that whirlwind romance bit comes the realization that happy-ever afters are rare endings. In fact, the best relationships are those that have been patiently nurtured by time and patience. Those that have been cared for by long conversations, mutual interests and effort are those that last. On one of my last few days in Manila, a friend asked me what my resolutions were. I had mentioned something about being more deliberate and thinking things through, in short: looking before I leap. She said that I might overanalyse things to death. There are some things that should not be overly processed, she said.

So, this is where I am. Trying to balance impulse with deliberation, trying to live with zest but enough moderation. It's trying to learn how to drive a car with manual transmission, I am learning how to use the clutch to balance the gas. I don't drive a manual car, by the way. My dad decided it was hopeless and decided to get me an automatic. I've got to learn how to regulate things. This is what adults do, control their impulses.

Switching gears, and appropriately reflecting this very adult Prata Princess, am in the mood for a quiet birthday. Ideally, I want to spend it on the beach with friends happily guzzling cold beer and munching on satay sticks. I just want to gaze at the stars (which I did over the weekend) and breathe. And yet, I will admit that there is still a little part of me that will always feel more alive with dramatic, unexpected turns (ahem, like surprise wine-bearing visitors at 2 a.m.!), but there is a calmness in my soul which also yearns for quiet nights and peaceful dreams. These are the two sides of my soul. They will always combat with each other. Life is the constant balancing of these two. For tonight, all I see are the shadows of the trees outside my window. Darkness has fallen. God's in His heaven, all's right in my world.

Totally Chilled Out Chinese New Year

2006-01-31T19:18:00.000+08:00

I'm back to blogging with a vengeance! Am tapping away on my new laptop which just came in today, got a lovely glass of wine, gorged myself on tikoy and just about to reach the tail end of a totally work-free 4-day holiday! Sigh....life is good!

The New Year would have been perfect if I were on an isolated beach somewhere and dancing on the sand. I had to make do with the East Coast Park, which, was not bad at all. In fact, I spent 3 out of the 4 days of the CNY on the beach. Saturday night was a chill out night having beer with a buddy on one of the beach-side bars. Sunday was a fantastic adventure. A couple of friends and I went kayaking. Now, let me tell you that it was my first time ever! Armed with my SPF 130 sunscreen, I was ready to let down my prata princess hair and channel the Amazing Race. And let me tell you who made an absolute splash at the beach? Moi! Imagine this: 4 kayaks in the middle of the ocean, all lined up and intending to race for shore. Who came back without cheating and eventually winning the race? Moi! Okay, okay, half the credit goes to my kayak partner, but I must say that I was no deadweight, I rowed my way trying to imagine that I was on the Amazing Race. Man, it was so much fun! We had water fights in the middle of the sea, fought against the current to try to keep a steady course and emerged victorious! Mwa ha ha ha ha! You also have to note that we beat a kayak with 2 guys in it!!! I am absolutely bursting with pride!

On Monday, I went biking with a friend, again on ECP from Paya Lebar to Changi! I'm telling you, I'm turning into an Amazon! Okay, I have to admit that my biking skills were rusty and I may have knocked down one of those orange traffic cones. But hey, my body isn't aching which means I am in pretty good shape.

Sandwiched in between these outdoor activities was a slumber party with my girlfriends. Okay, this is what happens when non-teenagers do a slumber party....they actually fall asleep. It's too embarassing for words but instead of staying up the whole night and bonding over life, love and friendship, we ended up all asleep by 1 a.m. Shameful isn't it. But, we did have a fantastic dinner of lamb, pasta, salad, lovely red wine and sinful ice cream. We did the chick-flick bit by catching 28 Days, Before Sunrise and Before Sunset (highly, highly, highly recommended). The next day, the friggin lion dance woke me up....the others woke up as well, so the bonding conversation happened at 7:30 in the morning. I only have one word to describe this entire episode: lola. As in, mga lola na kami...tulog by 1 and up by 7:30. My gosh, super lola, I swear!

The weather's been good, been bonding with friends, lovely wine, lovely food, I've got nothing more to ask for. Allow me to let you in on a little secret....I am an Angelina Jolie fan. I have to check the news everyday to find out the latest buzz. On which note, it's time for me to check up on mareng Angie....

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

2006-01-27T14:07:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year. Am happily buzzed on red wine in the middle of a work day. They've called off work for the rest of the day but still got stuff to send out. Let's the hope the year of the dog is better for the tiger babies like moi. Life is never still, never peaceful...sometimes I feel like I will go crazy trying to find some quiet time in my head.

I'm not crazy, it's just that some areas of my life are noisier than usual. Yes, I know inner peace is for the dead, and I do relish feeling so alive. But, honestly, silence and serenity are so underrated. They can actually be pretty good for someone.

So....a peaceful and smooth and hopefully unevenful Chinese New Year to all.

Post-holiday blues

2006-01-03T21:11:00.000+08:00

This is my first "back-in-Singapore-after-a-Christmas-holiday-in-Manila". How does it feel? Surprisingly lonely. The flat feels so empty. Like the morning after a crazy party.

This is a novel experience for me. As with most people who live abroad, I do spend a significant amount of time alone. I relish this as I am a very private person. But when I came home yesterday from the airport and even despite the fact that my flat mate was home, the house felt abnormally quiet. I had just come from an action-packed Manila holiday where the house was bursting with activity and cooking. I was catching up with friends and doing brunch, lunch, merienda, dinner, and coffee just so I could see everyone that I had to see during my two week vacation. I also did not want to compromise quality time with the family so I tried to keep my weekends and other free time for them. It still wasn't enough.

On my first night back in Singapore, after watching "Chronicles of Narnia" with the flatmate, I was in bed, reading my books, and missing my sisters terribly! I miss their arguments and making up. On Sunday night, we put the beds together and had a "slumber party" to celebrate my last night in Manila. My sisters even joined me (for the first time ever) in my yearly Christmas charity project. The fact that they said yes (first time in 3 years) was a miracle in itself.

The transition to "normal" food is also heart-breaking. On my first week back in Manila, I had crispy pata three times! Shall I give you a run down of my two week holiday? Lengua, paella, corned beef sinigang, Aristocrat bbq chicken, my mom's callos and morcon, her fabulous lasagna, sashimi and wine, prawns, potato salad, kanduli sa gata, fried catfish, red eggs, dinuguan at puto, palabok, chorizo de bilbao.... I want to cry. On my first day back in Singapore, I was microwaving leftover chicken and fried rice. Waaaahhh!

The holidays were so hectic that I did not have any real time to do my journal or think of any resolutions. I did have a lovely chilled out Sunday afternoon at M Cafe (lovely place in Greenbelt near the Ayala Museum) with two friends where I finally had to come up with a resolution as it was the topic of the day. Over Pastillas de leche cheesecake and Choc-Nut Chocolate Cake (to die for!), I realized that my goal for 2006 is to question my truths. Okay, sugar overload aside, but I wanted to question things that I had taken for granted as true. Over the past year, I had inadvertently discovered things about myself. I have vowed to be more self-aware in 2006, and actively question my truths.

There is nothing like being home with family and friends for Christmas. I'm going to wallow in my post-holiday blues for one more night. But after this, I know I'll be appreciating being back in Singapore. I do recognise that I have the best of both worlds: having Manila to come back to for the holidays, but living independently in a safer environment where I have grown so much. I've changed but so has Manila. I've moved on, and so have my friends. While it is great to reconnect and reminisce (as most people who haven't seen each other in ages are expected to do). It is even more surprising to reconnect in a different way with significant people in your past. Hay, life is truly one surprise after another.

And a postscript....this is to apologise for being an ass on New Year's day. You know who you are....Let me know when you've forgiven me.

And a post-post script. Thank you to everyone who has enriched my prata princess journey. To my crazy flatmate who puts up with my insults, to my Biblia-mates who put up with my insanity, to old friends in Manila who have held my hand and cheered me on as I tried to find my place in the sun, and to the friends I have made in sizzling Singapore.

Fried Motherboard!

2005-12-04T14:51:00.000+08:00

Two words to explain my lo-ooong silence. My laptop of four years died. I never realized that I would be so emotionally affected by the loss of my laptop. I mean, hello, it's an inanimate object, it's not as if my dog died. But seriously, that laptop and I have been through so many adventures together. When it just failed to turn on one day and when the laptop doctor told me its surfing days where over, I felt a hole in my stomach. That's it? No good-byes? Waah! That laptop had been with me through 3 relationships, 3 jobs and grad school. I had blogged, journaled, burned, laughed, cried and simply put, had lived through that laptop. Through the turbulence of the past couple of years, it was a constant companion. Lots of sentimental attachments. I had forged and maintained friendships over that laptop. I am just relieved that I had backed-up all my documents and photos.

*Sigh* Well, life goes on and a new laptop I must find. I guess that is how life is. We throw out old things to make way for new ones. We unload our baggage to make way for unexpected gifts. We clear out our old heartaches to make space in our hearts for someone else. We shed our old skin and come out.....exfoliated! Hay, well my humour has not died, that's for sure.

Anyway, update since October: watched Rent (very moving!), watched Harry Potter twice (am a fan), saw doctors twice (boring but I'm all good), am off alcohol (health reasons), got a new phone (Motorola Razr, very, very, very cool), got confirmed at my job, got my permanent residence, got hit on twice in one night with these insane pick-up lines ("Are you English?" To which I replied, "No I'm not English, but I speak English!" duhr! Oh and another one, "You are so pretty tonight, can you kiss me on the cheek so my friend will be jealous?" I won't tell you how that one ended! ;) Ha ha ha!) Yes, Singapore is still a rockin' place to be in. It's also been a great time spiritually as I entrust more of my life to my Maker. Friendships continue to deepen and life continues to be good. Even better, I'll be home for the holidays so am truly excited to see friends and family.

That's all for now. Keep your fingers crossed as I hunt for a new laptop to bond with.

Following the White Rabbit

2005-10-11T23:24:00.000+08:00

Today was another bustling day in the office. Tons to do, calls to field (had a particularly highly-strung client on the phone) and I had to find time during lunch to pick up my medical report at Raffles Hospital. No, am perfectly well but had to go for another medical report for immigration. Suffice it to say that someone lost my medical report. But instead of griping about it, just decided to do whatever needed to be done.

I was amply rewarded for my patience and forebearance with a serendipitious discovery that made all the hassles worth it. I was very hungry after a hectic morning in the office. I was about to step into the Raffles Hospital food court when I decided to be adventurous. Why not see if there were any interesting places around? I really did not have time to dawdle as I had tons of work waiting for me. But it was such a lovely day and I couldn't resist that tingling feeling that told me I was going to discover something great. Indeed, my hunch was right. I decided to explore the shop houses along a cute little road called Bali Lane and lo and behold, I found this kitschy little spot called Blu Jaz Cafe. What caught me was the decor: very shabby chic! The place was bursting with color and the little sign outside said the week's special was Assam Fish Curry. Ever adventurous, I decided to give it a try. Oh my, the food was heavenly! And the entire meal was just $5.5o. Can I say, winner? It was so good I had to give my compliments to the chef. He was flattered and so pleased that he said I should come again on Saturday night as they would have some people performing that night. He promised that the Assam Fish Curry would definitely be on the menu!

It was a perfect meal. There were tons of magazines (the nice ones like InStyle) and the ambiance was just so chilled out! The decor was something else: a 50's-style plastic chandelier, a paper mache bust, round wooden tables, lounge chairs....ahhh, I found another haven in the city! I was surprised to see that my little escapade had lasted only 45 minutes. It felt so much longer! I had relaxed over lunch, read a magazine, chatted with the chef and waiters and just absorbed the Bohemian vibe. I cannot wait to drag my foodie buds to this place. That lunch totally re-energized me for the day. I came back into the office with a hop in my step. I love having these little surprises packed into my day.

Lessons:

(1) a potential set-back (e.g. having to re-do my medical exam) can lead you to make discoveries you otherwise would not have made (lovely, quirky cafes with personality that serve fantastic food); and

(2) follow the white rabbit if it tells you that something lies around the bend.

Have a great week!

P.S. Have I told you that I just moved into a lovely room in the office with a great view? If I look straight down, I can see the Fountain of Wealth!

2005-10-10T00:53:00.000+08:00

Cirque du Soleil's Quidam

The Greatest Show on Earth

2005-10-09T22:05:00.000+08:00

"I've stepped back into a long-forgotten dream." That was the first thing that came to mind as Quidam unfolded before me.

Cirque du Soleil is not just a show, it truly is an experience. I was hooked from the moment John, the ringmaster, stepped onto the stage and started fidgeting with his watch and coaxing latecoming audience members to their seat.

It felt like I had fallen into a rabbit hole. It is difficult to describe such a very visual experience. The music, colors, costumes, even the vibe in the big tent was otherworldly. And the combination of all these created a mood of anticipation. You were ready to be amazed. I came to the show expecting to be entertained, but I never though that a circus could move me to tears.

The show was amazing as it brought together music, drama, comedy, sensuality, and skill almost seamlessly. There were acts which were just physically enthralling such as the German Wheel where the artist would twirl around in his giant wheel stopping at the very edge of the stage and almost precariously dipping into the first row of the audience. He spun around the stage with such audacity and daring. He set the tone for the evening. He commanded attention onstage and seemed to be saying, "Prepare to see things which you do not think can be done."

The next show-stopper for me was the Diablo where four girls were playfully twirling a toy while doing amazing pyramids and dances. It was a heart-warming and amazing act.

But my favorite would have to be the Aerial Contortion in Silk. It was dramatic, moving me to tears and yet such a very physically engaging performance. Suspended by red silk, the artist showed off the strength and beauty of the human body. The combination of artistry and skill was absolutely magical.

For the first time, I am at a loss to describe an experience. I was moved to tears, I laughed out loud, I was totally engaged in the moment and was absolutely seduced by the show. Words like spell-binding finally make sense to me and would not be exxagerated in describing Quidam.

Some people might find Quidam to be a bit dark. But I loved the underlying darkness, the sensuality, the feeling that the fantasy was on the verge of a nightmare.

Guess who's going to try to catch all the Cirque shows all over the world!

Check out http://www.cirquedusoleil.com/CirqueDuSoleil/en/default.htm

How, how coconut?

2005-09-25T18:18:00.000+08:00

Ganyan ako ka tuliro last Saturday night that when I asked a friend if Cebuanos prepare adobo using gata, ang lumabas ay, "How how coconut?" The reason...kulang sa tulog. Averaging 6 hours a night (on a good night pa yan ha) dahil I got pulled into a fast-paced project. But otherwise, enjoy naman. It's not usually that hectic. But this has been a crazy week of surprises for me.

Nagsimula noong Lunes. Pinaalala ng boss ko na ako daw bahala sa number namin para sa offfice bbq. Problema, sobrang busy ang mga tao at wala sa mood para mag-practice. In fact, ang unang practice namin ay sobrang kulelat. Una, di feel ng mga ka-grupo ko ang kumanta at sumayaw. Pangalawa, wala ng time mag-praktis. So, duet na lang kami ng aking sekretarya. Buti na lang game sya. Chuwariwap na lang sa likod ang iba kong group mates. Shempre, sobra akong frustrated. Feeling ko, kung sa Pinas to sobrang game ang mga tao at kayang-kaya ang song and dance number. So, I crossed my fingers and hoped for the best. Pinadala ko sa kanila ang lyrics at ang kanta para mag sariling praktis na lang. Dapat mag kikikita kami noon Huwebes para sa huling praktis pero meron akong dalawang deadline kaya cancelled. Plus, ang aking partner ay nagkasakit....allergy, namaga ang baga nya at mukhang di makakapunta. Muddeer fudder, anong gagawin ko?! Mukhang solo number ito! Walang practice. Recipe for disaster! Ngunit, di ko na maisip kung anong gagawin ko sa aming number dahil sa dami ng trabaho so dasal na lang ako. Plus, Friday whole day may seminar ako so talagang wala ng practice. In short, we needed a miracle!

Biyernes ng hapon, nagme-memorize ako ng lyrics sa taxi habang papunta sa party. Ang number namin ay "Fame" o, diba madali lang naman! For some strange reason, di ko sha ma-memorize. Age? Exhaustion? Brain was fried? Hay! Nagdadasal na lang ako na game ang mga ka-grupo ko at sana dala nila ang lyrics nila. But I was just exhausted at gusto ko na lang matapos ang number namin. Pag dating ko....aba, everyone seemed to know na solo number ako. Sigh. Bahala na si Batman. To my surprise, lahat ng group mates ko ay naka-costume at nag-practice na sila ng tatlong beses that day. May dance steps na rin sila! Aba, natuwa ako. They pulled me in for a last practice (shempre since ako ang lead vocalist). At super thank God, dumating ang secretary ko. She is such a great person! Maga ang mukha, on medication, pero game pa rin sha!!! And, we had giant lyrics on a dummy board so we were game!!

Kamusta ang performance? Magaling! Everyone was relaxed and game. At kami lang ang may live singing so iba ang dating. Yung ibang grupo, mga dance number at skit ang ginawa so kakaiba kami. To my surprise, enjoy ang audience! When the curtains came down, the group did a spontaneous group hug. They were thanking me and I was just saying how happy I was that everyone had fun. Sa totoo lang, all I wanted was that the number would bring us closer together. Ayokong may mapilitan dahil bad trip yon eh. In the end, we all had so much fun and were so grateful.

It does not end there. Competition pala ang mga number so may pressure talaga na di mapahiya. Sa isip-isip ko, okay na kami, we were not going to win but we had a decent and fun presentation. No need to feel ashamed. Pero, nakalimutan ko yung "bribe". Apparently, nagdagdag sila ng mechanics to the competition that yung judge could be bribed (all in the spirit of fun!) Kailangan magaling ang bribe at magaling ang mag-aaproach sa judge (ang pinakamataas na boss sa opisina). Pag tinanggap ang bribe, plus 3 points to your score. Pag di-tinanggap, minus 3! Hindi na namin naisip to dahil sobrang busy. Imagine my shock when the emcee asked each group representative to come to the stage and explain what bribe was made and whether it was accepted. Waaah, wala kaming ginawa! What to do? My mind raced, I didn't have much time to think as I was called on stage. On the spot.....sabi ko, ahhhh, sasayaw yung dalawang groupmate ko (during the number nag impromptu dance sila). Problema, nagulat yung dalawang groupmate ko at nahiya. Ayaw daw. Oh my God, on the spot ako. Hay, my mind quickly raced again, then I found myself saying, "I'll sing as a bribe." Pucha! Sabi ni judge, let me hear it before I decide to accept the bribe. Suffice it to say, nag-solo ako ng Fame. The crowd went wild. I just threw myself into the moment and sang my heart out, complete with facial expressions and emoting galore. Sucess...bribe accepted and the song number brought the house down!

My gosh, the things I had to do that night! It was a blast though, but the night was not yet over. Iaa-nounce na yung winner of the night. Fourth place.... hindi kami. We were relieved not to be last place and were quite content to get 3rd. In fact, I was inching towards the stage cause I knew we were going to get called next. Imagine my shock when another group was called for 3rd place. I traded a shocked look with my groupmates. Aba, 2nd place tayo! We were just expecting to survive the evening so that was a shocker. Imagine how floored we were when someone else was called as 2nd prize and we ended up winning!!!! Waaaaaah, we went wild!!!!! I have not been surprised or shocked in a long time!!!!! So up we went to collect our grand prize (kewl, $50 FairPrice vouchers). But there was more, the emcee got the names of all the members of the winning group and drew a name out for a special prize. One of my groupmates was called on stage. She went in front and said, "Prata Princess really deserves this so I'm giving the prize to her." Oh my God, I was so touched! Such a sweet gesture! Then the emcee said, "Don't you want to hear the prize first? It's an Ipod Nano." And my groupmate said, "She really deserves this." Oh my God, I wanted to cry! What a roller coaster week!

I just love it when the God decides to surprise me. I gladly accept the kindness of the universe.....specially when it comes in the form of an Ipod!

One of My Best Weekends Yet!

2005-09-11T19:51:00.000+08:00

Last Saturday night ranks as one of the best I've had in Singapore. Funny how great weekends happen when you least expect it.

So, the scene on Saturday night? I was in bed at 9 pm and totally in denial that I had to go out later that evening. Why so anti-social? Hectic week in the office and tons of take home work to do on Sunday. Plus slight headache and backache which is why I was snug in bed, air-conditioning on, chill out music in the background, and a mindless novel to drown in. But, it was my ex-flatmate's last weekend out before leaving Singapore for 6 months. I did want to see her very badly before she left. She is an extremely good friend and a keeper (my definition for people who are friends for life). Nothing was going to keep me from her last weekend in Singapore. So, after downing aspirin and caffeine (I know, not a good combination), I headed down to Clark Quay.

Clarke Quay has a lovely clubbing vibe on weekends. It's got all my fave clubs: Attica, Indochine and 1Night Stand lined up along the river. On my last good visit to 1Night Stand, I had a couple of lovely dances with a gorgeous David Beckham look-alike. Suffice it to say that on a good night, lots of eye candy in the house. However, there have been bad weekends where all you'll see are a bunch of SPGs and their Singapore sugar daddies. Nights like that are best spent in bed curled up with a book.

Anyway, on this particular night, as I crossed the bridge from Boat Quay to Clark Quay, I swear, there was promise in the air. You know that feeling you get that it's going to be a great night? I felt it in the air, floating along with a bit of drunken singing coming from one of the bars. Once I entered 1Night Stand and did a quick round to check on my co-revelers for the night, I was pleased to see that the place was packed. But, just 3 people on the dance floor and everyone just trying to get sloshed? That was not good. So after I had hooked up with my friends and gave my dear friend her going away present (which she loved!) I led the group to the dance floor. No, I am not normally this bold but I wanted to get some serious dancing done because I planned to go home early. I had promised myself that I'd be home by 2 am max. Otherwise my Sunday would be absolutely wasted. I also gave myself an alcohol limit that night: 1 drink.

Ahh, but resolutions are made to be broken. But only by a little. I left at 2:30 and had 3 drinks. Technically I had not broken the alcohol rule as I only bought 1 of the 3 drinks I downed. I must thank Michael for round 2 and Philip for round 3. You will see later on why the fact that I had broken my self-imposed rules by just a teensy-weensy bit is relevant.

Anyway, I digress, back to the dance floor. I was not disappointed. After our little troop walked into the dance floor - we claimed it! My NUS buds had been drinking before I joined up, which probably explains why they were so exuberant when they took over the dance floor. One of the boys just did his thing and entertained the entire club (including the band) with his moves. Man, this guy could move. No inhibitions. Not a care in the world. Which is the way to go. The best dancers are totally unselfconscious and just lose themselves in the music. Of course we ended up dancing together. That was such a blast! It is absolutely fantastic to have a "showdown" with a dance partner. You challenge each other with your moves. You dare each other, push each other and see how well you move together. It is an absolute rush to find a partner you can be wildly abandoned with. That is the only way to truly dance. With wild abandon. And yes we had a winner folks. The dancing was fabulous. We were so synched that we even did low dips with my hair almost sweeping the floor. I even up being carried in the middle of the dance floor twice! Wild night it was. Whew! Okay, lesson for me: there are white guys who can dance and Russians know how to have fun!

But, since I was not smashed and I had to work the next day, I knew when to pack up while the going was good. So, even while the party was in high gear and the mood was high, I said my goodbyes and headed home. I walked along the river with a silly smile on my face. That was the most fun I've had while sober! I crashed into bed happily tired.

This is the stuff you tell your grandchildren about. The moments you were wildly alive and totally abandoned in the moment. Come to think of it, Singapore has given me so many stories to pass on. Of course they'll have to be edited *wink wink* but, man what an adventure!

Hmmm, another lesson for me here: I do not need to push things to the extreme to have a great time. Sometimes, the folly of youth, alcohol and hormones makes us push too much of a good thing. A great time does not need to end at 4 a.m. where you are more likely to do something really foolish. A great time can end soberly and early (yes, 2:30 is early).

P.S. I now have a new adventure to add to my to do list: I must go dancing in Brazil. Where else can I dance with wild abandon but in Rio where salsa seems to be encoded in their genes? Must be the waters from the wild Amazon. I can already picture it: thumping salsa beat, barefoot, warm sand, hot dance partner, and me dancing my heart out and baying at the moon!

The Exhilaration of Independence and the Sweetness of the Unknown

2005-09-02T00:50:00.000+08:00

I celebrated my first year anniversary in Singapore a couple of weeks ago. This is relevant because the novelty should have worn off. I’m no wide-eyed chick in the big city. I have no reason to be giddy about Singapore or my life here. But I am. Quietly happy. I am swimming into a seemingly quieter phase (previous blogs testify to the wild ride of my previous phase as a grad student) characterized by routine and all the responsibilities that come with work. It is a difficult phase. With work comes stress, late nights, and all the little things that can undermine all your resolutions to be an eternal optimist. And yet, I’ve remained perky.

When did life become so fascinating for me? I don’t know how to describe it. I just feel so alive. The contrast to my previous life is very marked. I felt like I was like living in black and white. Now it’s absolutely bursting with color. Now I know what that song, “Life in Mono” means. Relocating to another country was definitely one of the best decisions I’ve made. Every choice I make now is more meaningful because of the process that goes into it. Suffice it to say that I feel that I am in great hands now. How ironic that with even more freedom and more uncertainty, comes a stronger sense of security. Maybe this comes from my increased spirituality, my increased sensitivity and much greater zest and appreciation for life. In short, I have never felt so alive in my life!

I think one of the greatest challenges of living is trying to make each day unique, even amidst routine. Another challenge is staying positive not only for your self but for other people even in times of stress. One of the things that has made me happy recently was being told that I do my work so cheerfully (and yes, competently too!). We spend so much time in the work place. I think it is very important to be polite to each other to make life easier for other people. I say this in the context of a Singaporean work place and admittedly, Singapore is not really known for courtesy. This is why I feel strongly that I should try to be a source of positive energy in the office so that the work becomes more pleasant.

Right now I’ve been working and playing hard. Last weekend was classic. Worked on Saturday afternoon, and then went wild at Womad that evening. For the uninitiated, Womad stands for World, Music, Arts and Dance. Singapore hosts a Womad festival every year where they have a lot of non-mainstream musicians and dancers perform. This year we danced like crazy to Apache Indian. Then moved to club music and danced like there was no tomorrow. I had to pay for the weekend’s revelries though. After a very late night out, I slept till noon but had to start seriously attacking my take-home work. Whew, I was working from 3 p.m. Sunday afternoon to 6 a.m. on Monday morning! Straight! Thank God I have a proper study/library to work in. I would never have lasted in my bedroom. I never thought it was possible to function on 2 hours of sleep. I ended up going home at 11 p.m. on Monday night. Thank God these things are just one offs and not my daily grind. I must say, I don’t think I’ve ever had to do anything that challenging in my career yet. The thrill there is the fact that despite the fact that I was exhausted, I was still a very pleasant person to be with. For someone who values her sleep, I was not at all cranky.

So, that is the working girl lifestyle for you. Early mornings, late nights, the occasional boozed out evening, movie dates, quick bites at the food center, a little bit of shopping, weekend Bible study sessions and church. Next on the agenda is the Black Eyed Peas concert, a picnic at the beach, me cooking adobo at a little house warming in the flat (once all our furniture is in), and in the next 2 months, a quick get away out of the country. There is so much more to do and explore! Sigh….it is indeed the exhilaration of independence and the sweetness of the unknown. I guess if you are living at the appointed time and in the appointed place, every moment you inhabit is uniquely yours. My dear reader, may you inhabit every moment and every place as if you’ll never pass that way again!

2005-08-28T21:17:00.000+08:00

World Music, Arts & Dance 2005

Womad Weekend Revelries

2005-08-28T21:15:00.000+08:00

Sunday night...Chugging away in the study with some take home work. Looks like no sleep tonight but Womad was so-oooo worth it! Will report on the weekend's revelries when I can breathe. Have a great week!

My Alcohoroscope

2005-08-23T21:51:00.000+08:00

Your Aquarius Drinking Style

Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is).
You have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if you get an idea while sizzled, you're more stubborn than a stain or a stone.
If you're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, you're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative -- and you make perfectly charming drunks in that case.

Fortunately, you're usually capital drink-nursers.
You also make the best-designated drivers (if people can get you before you start raising your wrist).
You are fascinated by drunken people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

Your Signature Cocktails

Aquarius is likely to order stuff most people have never heard of: a capirinha, Satan's whiskers, a negroni, an Arthur Tompkins. You like to stump the bartender. This sign rules the color electric blue, and you would be pleased by any tipple featuring blue curacao. You also rule the olive tree, so pour the juice into that dirty martini.

Your Celebrity Drinking Buddies

Paris Hilton, Jennifer Aniston, Ellen DeGeneres, Dr. Dre, Ashton Kutcher, Christina Ricci, Justin Timberlake, and Elijah Wood.

What's Your Alcohoroscope?

Do Not Be Afraid of Time

2005-08-14T22:22:00.000+08:00

This is dedicated to a fellow journeymate V.

My darling friend V just came from a lovely Boracay holiday. In reflecting on the beauty and perfection that is Boracay and the inevitable contrast to the imported sands of man-made Sentosa beach, she had this to say, "how vastly superior are those that God had molded in His time than those rushed and created by man" and then the great whopper: "Do not be afraid of time."

I must admit I have always feared the passing of time. I am a woman and in a society that values youth and beauty and which tells me that I have a "shelf life" age seems to be an important number.

But I love being where I am NOW. I love the fact that with the passing of time I have become a better version of me. With the passing of time, I have become more comfortable in my own skin, I have lesser angsts, I have a better understanding of what is important, and a better understanding of myself. I love the fact that time has whittled away my pretensions and prejudices, that in fact, the passing of time itself has taught me to appreciate things I would have otherwise taken for granted. There have been so many beautiful moments in my life and beautiful people I have shared them with: a meaningful late night conversation with a good friend, a chance encounter on a train with an old lady with a lovely spirit, the spontaneous playfulness of the 3-year old girl in my old flat, a beautiful sunset in Batanes (the sun changed colors every few minutes as it dropped into the horizon), waking up in Tagaytay to a beautiful morning fog with the scent of the coffee flowers from the nearby plantation, joining my mom and dad for their almost weekly movie date (I loved walking behind them and watching them hold hands), and lying on the beach while counting the stars. There have been many ugly moments in my life as well: two surprise operations, the usual drama that every family has, betrayal, greed, loneliness, anger, vengefulness, and pain. These have all taken up time. These have added flavor to who I am. I am the adobo that has been put in the freezer and which tastes better than when it was first cooked.

In short, time has improved me. Why then have I been giving it such a bad rap? Youth has its advantages but I would not want to go back in time. I love what I am now. I love who I am now. Time has created a new and improved me. Imagine how much better I'll be given a couple of more years! I even feel so much better now than before. I don't think I've ever looked this good in my life. Dudes, look at how good Brad Pitt looks and he just hit 40!

Time has taught me to value people and experiences. The passing of time has helped me to focus on living in the present. Every day is unique and cannot be replicated. Focusing on the present helps me be a better person because I am accountable for that moment. I make sure that I make the most of that moment, that I give the best that I can to that moment. Then I go home, process it a bit, then let it go. There is a time to walk down memory lane, there is a time to plan for the future, but the way to live life is in the present. Time is the vintage maker, it seeks to turn what it touches eventually into gold. Hmmm, is this why the senior years are called the golden years? Well then, cheers to the golden years and may time turn you into gold!

A Letter of Hope

2005-08-07T22:56:00.000+08:00

I received two lovely letters over the weekend. Okay, I will admit they were emails but calling them letters just sounds so poetic. Both were from people I consider to be dear friends. One was a letter thanking me for my friendship. The other one is a bit harder to classify. You could call it a love letter or a letter of admiration. I call it a letter of hope and for that I admire the honesty and courage of the person who wrote it.

I prefer to think of it as a letter of hope because of the lovely words that were used to convey the hope that the sense of "belonging" that this person felt was shared.

Most of us go through life with an innate yearning for another, a special someone, a person we have hand-picked from the mass of humanity whom we choose to belong to. In the movie, Shall We Dance, in response to a question about why people get married, Susan Sarandon's character says: "Because we need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet. What does any one life really mean? In a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things. The bad things. The terrible things. The mundane things. All of it. All the time. Every day. You're saying your life will not go unnoticed, because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness."

I was touched by the words of my friend's letter - by the yearning to belong to something and someone, as opposed to "belonging to nothing and nobody." I have known this yearning. I claim this yearning. The honesty with which it was conveyed moved me beyond words. Here was someone who was laying his feelings on the line at the risk of rejection. Here was someone hoping that the sense of belonging was shared. I was touched by the courage with which these words were written. The courage is not so much in the risk of rejection (although I'm sure many will disagree with me). The courage is in sharing with me how the mere fact of my presence beside him made him feel like he belonged. The vulnerability of sharing this commands nothing but my highest respect. It is not the faint of heart who will admit to these feelings which are hard to pin down in the real world.

It is with an ache in my heart that I read these words. The tragedy is that there are degrees of connections and layers of belongingness. What if your mind is miles away? What if your heart has not thawed? What if the chemistry of a previous relationship has left you extremely cautious about jumping into another one? What if the sense of connection and belongingness that you feel is not quite the same as his? What if...you just love this person as a (gasp, do I really have to use "F" word) friend?

I am praying that I will be able to act with honor, that I will be able to do whatever I have to do in a loving way. We who have known pain, do not want to cause it unnecessarily. I know I will have to accept that, regardless of anything I do, I will cause this person some hurt. I hope that belonging to the circle of people I call friends will be enough. That is all I can share for now. That is all I can give. But I give it fully, sincerely, lovingly and honestly. I hope my counter-offer of true friendship will be accepted.

I believe the most important decision in life is a person's choice of God. The next most important, is the choice of a partner in life. I pray, dear reader, that you will be led to God's Perfect Choice (GPC) for you. I still believe in this. I pray that He will lead my GPC to me. In the meantime, I am trying to live with kindness. In all that I do, I try to choose the loving way.

It isn't always this serious. Life has actually been hilarious lately. But this strange turn of events in my personal life was just too close to my heart to be left unexamined. Have a lovely week my dears. May you view chance encounters as an opportunity to do something totally fantastic and unexpected for someone. I truly believe we should not wait for miracles to happen, but be miracle workers and angels for other people. My next entry (unless something weird happens in the meantime) will be a hodge-podge: office printers which have names, pantry ladies who talk in half-Chinese and half-English, cab drivers who play matchmaker (a.k.a. pimp), clubs that get busted by the authorities after midnight while you are having a night on the town with friends, guys who want to take your picture while you're chilling in Indochine, and whether a gecko is the same as a lizard. 'Til the next adventure!

I've been tagged!

2005-08-03T21:14:00.000+08:00

Three names you go by:
Ahem, trying to maintain my semi-anonymity here.

Three screen names you have had:
1. prata princess
2. ________bear (my real name in blank)
3. kris aquino

Three physical things you like about yourself:
1. eyes - they sparkle
2. legs - because they take me where I want to go
3. boobs - sobrang asset to sa Singapore!

Three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. nose - because I lost in the gene pool and my glasses keep sliding off
2. tummy - i will always have love handles
3. thighs - enuff said

Three parts of your heritage: (Aside from the obvious Filipino bloodline?)
1. Chinese
2. Spanish
3. God knows what else

Three things that scare you:
1. Failure
2. Falling in love
3. Death in the family

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Makeup
2. Eye drops
3. Ear plugs so I can work without distractions

Three of your favorite musical artists:
1. U2
2. The Broadway cast of Rent
3. Jobim

Three of your favorite songs:
1. Stuck in a Moment - U2
2. Seasons of Love - from Rent
3. Agua di Beber - Jobim

Three things you want in a relationship:
1. Trust
2. Maturity
3. Independence

Three lies and truths in no particular order:
[LIES]
1. Everybody loves you.
2. Life is fair.
3. You complete me.

[TRUTH]
1. Only half the people you love, love you back.
2. Life is what you make of it.
3. God completes us.

Three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. Must smell yummy.
2. Abs.
3. Broad shoulders.

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Dancing
2. Singing
3. Biblia

Three things you want to do really badly now:
1. go to Europe
2. learn a magic trick
3. build a house for a needy but deserving family in the Philippines

Three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. Singer
2. Photojournalist
3. Tai-tai

Three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Spain
2. France
3. US

Three kid's names you like:
1. Nina Patricia
2. Martin
3. Azure

Three things you want to do before you die:
1. Be found by and fall in love with my GPC (God's Perfect Choice)
2. Build a house for a needy but deserving family in the Philippines.
3. Discern and fulfill my God-given mission.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy (if I were a boy):
1. I can be retarded and clueless sometimes.
2. I am insensitive.
3. Physical attraction is very important to me.

Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. I'm addicted to cosmetics
2. I'm touchy-feely, verging on being a group-hug type.
3. I'm very, very forgiving.

Three celeb crushes:
1. David Beckham
2. Brad Pitt
3. Pierce Brosnan

Three people I'm Tagging:
1. Party Princess
2. Nakanamamboogie
3. Litotes

Goodbye Grad School Girl, Hello Working Woman

2005-07-24T18:24:00.000+08:00

I am having withdrawal symptoms from leaving my lovely Vista Park home. Goodbye to lovely Kent Ridge Park, goodbye to my cozy bedroom, goodbye to my little piece of heaven in Singapore. Hay! This will be my second move in a one-year period. Relocating is definitely stressful specially if, like me, you have the tendency to accumulate stuff. First was the shift from Gillman to South Buona Vista which was definitely an exciting move as I was dying to get out of Gillman. I totally fell in love with my Vista Park flat the first time I saw it. This time round am moving to the suburbs. My new place is nice enough. It's a 3-bedroom maisonette in an HDB block in Simei. It is not love at first sight but I must admit that it's very practical and convenient. It's a five-minute walk from a mall and MRT station which makes it ideal for work. It'll be a 20-minute train ride to City Hall and a 10-minute walk to Suntec. But, it is an HDB and for someone who's always been used to a lot of greenery, privacy, and open spaces, it will definitely require some adjustment. Am glad to be moving with a very good friend though. Life with N will never be boring! I love the fact though that our new flat has a second floor so it doesn't feel like an HDB. My bedroom window overlooks an open area with lots of trees. I really should not complain but aaargh, this shift just comes at such a bad time as I've just started work and do not have the luxury of time.

There are many things to look forward though: new neighbours, new territory to explore with my running shoes, new mall to conquer. And I actually like the vibe of the East.

And now the work front. Honeymoon lasted all of five hours. After lunch, the assignments started pouring in. Thank God for my previous law firm training. It was easy to get into the work groove and, social magnet that I am, I've already formed my lunch bunch: Azmul, Coco and Meera. Having a blast exploring all the lunch spots in Suntec and neighboring Millenia Walk and hunting down all the Osim showcases so that we can score free massages with the Osim chairs and handheld massagers. I have mastered the fine art of acting like a serious buyer and have even managed to keep one of the Osim guys so entertained that he gave me a whole body massage! Ha ha ha! Also tons of socials at the office. We've done a fitness run by the river (of course I ended up at the tail end of the run/walk/crawl) which was followed by a deadly dinner at the Esplanade and even a girl's night out with loads of wine and an absolutely lovely dinner.

Well the theme of this entry really is goodbye and hello. I am saying goodbye to spontaneous Pasir Panjang alcohol binges (including the discovery of half-hidden night spots), mid-week clubbing and crazy late nights and hello to new lunch mates, coffee breaks, tea breaks, dinners, office socials. Goodbye to old friends and hello to new ones. Heck I shouldn't complain! I was starting to get bored with my student lifestyle and now I'm moving on to newer things. Goodbye to rinky dinky dives that we had to put up with because of our student budgets (Tiki Bar, anyone?) and hello (again) to wining, dining, salsa, hiphop dancing and shopping. Hello to volunteer opportunities at the Bayanihan Centre and for Project Rainbow.

But there are things that will not change. Biblia continues to sustain my spirit. I continue to be open to meeting new people and new challenges. What is funny is that what will not change is the fact that things have been changing radically in my universe. Ahh, well. The Chinese have a saying, "May you live in interesting times." I cannot complain. Life continues to hit me with all sorts of surprises. All I can say is hello to more adventures!

It's Official, I am Now an OFW.

2005-07-13T16:01:00.000+08:00

Hay, the adventure continues! It's official, I have made the leap from iskolar ng bayan (well technically of the ASEAN) to OFW (Overseas Foreign Worker). I leave behind my bohemian student lifestyle for the corporate rat race. I am trading in my Berkenstocks for killer heels, my denims for blazers, even my lovely bachelorette pad for a commuter-friendly HDB in the East. Reality bites!

A peek into my closet already shows an overnight metamorphosis. Where once there were tiny tees and jeans, shorts and even shorter skirts, club wear and evening bags, now there are power suits resurrected from an old life.

It's almost a year since I first came to Singapore. When I look back on this year, man what a year! Action-packed on all fronts! It was Sex in the City meets Felicity meets One Tree Hill meets the 700 Club! From pampered princess to street-savvy (in short, marunong na akong makipag-tarayan sa train or bus pag may bastos). Running after trains and buses and trekking through NUS have miraculously managed to keep me trim despite my gym-free lifestyle and the carbo-loading.

I've changed. Massively. I used to go through life on cruise-control. I had, in my old life, abdicated all control to my ex who was supposed to chart our common path together. Well, I was a younger, lazier person then. It's difficult to be happy when you've handed the reins of control to someone else. It was also an unfair burden on him. Of course, we didn't know we were committing relationship suicide, we were just too in love to notice. But as most of us battle-scarred journeymates know, love aint enough. As my cousin Monique said, I've bloomed. It's true. After "The Great Emancipation" and unshackling myself from the label "long time girlfriend a.k.a. almost wife" I am now living life on my terms. The only person who charts my course now is the guy upstairs. What a larger life I've been privileged to be shown. It's better than any script I could have written! He has truly been kind and generous even if I do not deserve it. He continues to bless me despite my disobedience. He is truly a loving Father.

Of course the adventure was not without its share of speed bumps. Inappropriate friendships (ha ha ha, that covers a multitude of sins), being absolutely willful and selfish even if I knew I was doing a wrong move. But there is beauty in falling, specially if you fall from your own ego-built pedestal. You learn what kind of person you are. It's like discovering that you have a weird birthmark on your back which you had never seen but was there all along. Self-discovery sounds trite but it encompasses, in a word, the entire year. The past year was not about the relationships I had and the adventures I embarked on. Distilled to its simplest, the year was about the "truths that she learned." This has been God's greatest gift to me this year: truth, which I continue to seek because this is my calling.

Lover of music that I am, of course there is a theme song for my year as a grad student, living alone for the first time, seeking truth about myself and the world. It has truly been a season of love.

SEASONS OF LOVE (From Rent)

Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
moments so dear
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year

In daylight, sunsets, in midnights,
in cups of coffee, In inches, in miles
in laughter in strife,

In Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
How do you measure a year in the life

(chorus)
How about Love
how about love
how about love
measured in love
seasons of love
seasons of love

Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
journeys to plan
Five hundrend twenty five thousand
six hundred minutes
how do you measure the life of a woman
or a man

In truth that she learned
or in times that he cried
In the bridges she burned
or the way that he died

Its time now to sing out
though the story never ends
lets celebrate remember a year
in the life of friends

5 Questions

2005-06-20T14:37:00.000+08:00

1.) Which fictional book do you think can best serve as a biography to your life? Explain.

Hmmm, the story of my life has yet to be written. Closest approximation would have to be Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll. Sometimes I feel like as disoriented as Alice when she fell through the rabbit hole into a bizarre world. How did Alice get into this situation? This girl was chilling out by the river, bored out of her mind, when she saw a talking rabbit. Of course she followed the rabbit and that is when her adventures started. Same, same. I’ve been working in Manila for the past few years and needed a shot in the arm to spice up my life. Singapore has been my rabbit hole and it truly has been an adventure! I have had my share of strange characters like Alice’s Mad Hatter, Queen of Hearts and Tweedledum and Tweedledee! And like me, Alice is a bit of a loony. You should take a peek into this character’s mind. For example, after she had taken a drink from a bottle and started shrinking, her self-introspective pep talk is damn quirky!

`Come, there's no use in crying like that!' said Alice to herself, rather sharply; `I advise you to leave off this minute!' She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it), and sometimes she scolded herself so severely as to bring tears into her eyes; and once she remembered trying to box her own ears for having cheated herself in a game of croquet she was playing against herself, for this curious child was very fond of pretending to be two people. `But it's no use now,' thought poor Alice, `to pretend to be two people! Why, there's hardly enough of me left to make one respectable person!'

2.) If you could only listen to one musical artist for the rest of your life, which one would it be? Why?

There can only be one: U2. I think U2's music has enough variety to mirror my ever-changing mood. In full party mood? I can count on Elevation or Mysterious Ways to get me groovin'. Reflective? Walk On and Stuck in a Moment have never failed me.

3.) Have you ever watched a film that 'changed your life'? Which film was that and how did it 'change you'?

Before Sunrise starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. For those who have not seen it:

Before Sunrise is a passionate and intelligent romance between a young American (Jesse) and a French student (Celine). A chance encounter on the train incites intrigue, and Jesse provocatively suggests that Celine postpone her return to France and embark instead on a spontaneous expedition to Vienna. In the course of their 14-hour relationship, the two share in their love for the unrehearsed and their appreciation for the unexpected as they explore in a powerful meeting of hearts and minds. Dawn breaks. Sad in silence, they make their way to the station. As they bid each other farewell, Jesse is seized by another impulse - another encounter?

This movie is all about chance encounters, going with the flow and seeing where life takes you. It did not exactly trigger a major change but it confirmed the change in direction that I decided to take in my life. Having been a control freak in all aspects of my life, I decided to shake it up and make major changes. I essentially threw away all my to-do lists, learned to live in the moment, and have been richly rewarded with very interesting experiences.

4.) Before you ended up in your chosen profession, what did you want to be? Why the change?

I thought I was going to be a doctor. I loved my science courses back in high school. But, reality check – had no aptitude for the higher math and advanced chemistry courses in college which I needed for med school. So, in a massive downgrade, I went from medicine to law! Ha ha ha! I can't save your life but I can fight for your freedom.

5.) Which historical figure would you have wanted to be?

Gabriela Silang? Eleanor of Aquitaine? Hmmm, I would have wanted to be Audrey Hepburn – an icon of film history. She had a wonderful film career, fabulous fashion plate, and did fantastic humanitarian work as a UNICEF Goodwill Ambassador. Her life was not a bed of roses – her father walked out on them when she was 6 years old, she lived through Nazi-occupied Holland, had several relatives executed for retribution for a Dutch underground movement, she acted as a courier for the underground resistance, had 5 miscarriages, and 2 divorces. A life fully lived.

Now, for the Official Interview Game Rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying “interview me.”
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person’s will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

This Blog has Not Become Moot and Academic!

2005-06-16T21:46:00.000+08:00

I am stupendously happy and very grateful that my life continues to unfold in such an amazing way!

I've always thought that a life lived without passion is not a life worth living. Passion can be directed in so many ways - passion for your God, family, and work. My prayer has always been simple: let my passion be aligned with God's purpose. My deal with God has been, whatever materializes is His will for me. So armed with a wing and a prayer, I set off to hunt for a job.

I've gone through numerous blind dates...er, job interviews here, and have never quite found "the one." I was getting very antsy. I thought I wanted an in-house job with a company. But, when the offer came, I felt so "blah" about it. Just when I thought I'd have to pack up, my phone started to buzz. Last Tuesday I had 4 interviews in one day. Trotted to my first one at 10, second one at 11:30, third one 3, and the last at 4:15. That was a crazy day. But I've gotten used to job interviews having already done 6 of them since May so I was primed to sizzle, dazzle, and hopefully find the "one."

So, how'd Tuesday go? Despite Nisha's stern warning to enter each office with my right foot first (some Hindu thing for good luck), I'd be so in the zone that tripping over my own feet was the last thing on my mind. My first interview was okay. But it felt like a date where you know you'll probably end up as friends but nothing more. They told me to give them a call if I was really interested as they would only make an offer if they were pretty sure it would be accepted. Duhr, sigurista! My second interview was nothing new. I was meeting up with the IP lawyer and HR director of a company that had already made an offer. This would be my 3rd meeting with them and we were already discussing terms and conditions of employment. I said I was still interested but needed some time to make an informed choice and would like to finish my interviews first. But even as I rushed over to Suntec for interviews 3 and 4, I knew that I would not accept that job. IP simply is not my area of expertise no matter how attractive the compensation. I've been working long enough to know that passion and interest for work is very important. Otherwise, everyday is sheer drudgery.

So, there I was, off to Suntec. Quickie lunch at the food court. I remember the first time I ate here I was appalled to see that the tables were being cleaned by ladies old enough to be my grandmother. I've gotten used to the sight but it still makes me uncomfy. This is why I make an effort not to be a messy eater and I eat straight off my tray to make life easier for the cleaning aunties. Then off I went to interview no. 3. It was love at first sight. Passion was absolutely sizzling! First off, I loved their office: discreetly classy, modern, upscale and very bright. The receptionist ushered me to a lovely conference room which had a killer view of the bay. It just knocked my socks off! I've been to a lot of law firms here, and you can tell a lot by the atmosphere. This one had a cool and efficient buzz. Then two partners came in and the interview started in earnest. We really hit it off. We totally connected and they were thrilled to hear that I was passionate about Corporate Governance. Suffice it to say that it was mutual. The next day they set-up a second interview. This time I met the partner heading the department and another partner. It was also a great interview. 5 minutes after the interview I had an offer.

At this point, let me digress and say that a great interview does not clinch a job. I have had previous interviews which went very well but did not end up in an offer. Lots of factors. The interviewers may like you but feel that you aren't exactly what they need. A challenge I faced was that I am not a Singapore-qualified lawyer. Given a limited budget, most firms would rather have a fully-qualified lawyer who can sign off on documents without any constraints.The only way I can qualify to practice here is as a Foreign Legal Adviser. The logical route: the international law firms. However, as a Malaysian friend advised me, most international law firms would rather hire lawyers from countries which are investment hubs. This is why most firms have India and China desks. Given the political turmoil back home, the Philippines isn't exactly shaking as an investment haven. Another possibility is the in-house route. Again another challenge I faced - most companies were looking for Mandarin-language proficiency as some contracts were in Mandarin.

Okay, back to the topic at hand. I am just so thrilled to be working in Suntec City! Lovely, self-contained, lots of lovely places to eat and great shops. I just remembered that the first time I visited Suntec, I did the traditional walk around the Fountain of Wealth for luck. I remember wishing for the NUS scholarship because I wanted to live one year abroad. The fountain has more than lived up to its promise. God is good!

Almost Committed Infanticide

2005-06-06T09:45:00.000+08:00

Last year I gave up my baby Ian for adoption. A very dear friend kindly came to the rescue and adopted him. It was a difficult decision but, under the circumstances, I knew it was for the best. I was not ready to be a mother. Not a maternal bone in my body. I was carefree and happy-go-lucky. I had no idea that saying "yes" to some strange guy one evening was going to result in Ian.

Before I start getting hate-mail, let me clarify that Ian is my baby goldfish. I received him from some random guy at a Japanese summer fest last year and had no idea what I was getting into. After a few days of Ian living in a take-away container and feeding on crumbs (literally), I knew I had to find a better home for him. Thank God Nisha agreed to be stepmom. 10 months later he is still alive. I obviously made the right decision. But last Saturday, Nisha and I discovered that poor Ian had been abandoned. He was supposed to have been dropped off at someone else's house while Nisha was living at her aunt's but poor baby got left behind. So there he was, dismally swimming in his slimy bowl, starved for almost a week. It was a miracle he was still alive! So decided to resume my maternal duties and took him home. I have always been O.C. so the first thing I did was clean his bowl until it was sparkling! Hmmm, lovely! Put in the a drop of anti-chlorine water conditioner to make his water habitable and plopped him back in. He seemed okay. Placed him on a controlled diet to wean him back to a normal-sized diet and tried to make sure he did not overeat. Tried not to be a hypochondriac mummy, but it bugged me that he was constantly staying close to the surface to breathe. Did not seem normal so I checked the internet and found out that my O.C.-ness almost killed him. What rule did I violate? Chemicals and fishies do not mix. I should not have washed his bowl in detergent! Apparently, a healthy dose of slime is good for fishes. While you are supposed to change the water weekly to maintain the water's pH level, the slippery slime in the bowl provides a protective layer for the fish! You're just supposed to rinse the bowl. Also, detergent must have seeped into the water, essentially poisoning poor Ian. Duh, and I thought I was doing him a favor by giving him a sparklingly clean bowl! What to do? I was afraid to change the water because transferring fishes are traumatic (for both the fish and the human). But a website dedicated to goldfish care emphasized the need to rinse out any residual chemicals from the water. So, with plastic soup spoon in hand, I gingerly fished Ian out and temporarily placed him in (what else) a take-away bowl. Carefully rinsed the bowl 5 times, replaced the water and anti-chlorine, and dumped Ian back in. Oh, he was so-oooo happy! He swam around, surfaced, went down, wiggled between the rocks, and (I swear) turned and looked at me (I had my nose right up one side of the bowl) as if saying, "Finally, you got my water right!"

Okay, now I know there is such a thing as being too clean. Semi-slimey bowl is now okay by me, as long as Ian's happy. He's happily swimming in his bowl and being frisky. I swear, this one's smart. Every time I go near the bowl, he goes to the surface thinking its feeding time. Awwww. Let's hope I don't inadvertently kill him. Maternal prata princess on goldfish duty. Signing out until the next (mis)adventure!

2005-06-06T09:43:00.000+08:00

Nursing my baby back to health.

Great Things Come from Everyday Faithfulness to the Small Things

2005-05-30T01:18:00.000+08:00

Life truly continues to surprise me with its twists and turns and little gifts.

Yesterday was potentially disastrous! I was psyched up all week for a friend's wedding last night because, being a girly-girl, I wanted to go to an event where I could really dress up and depart from my student uniform of denims and flip-flops. I got this lovely red and black slinky Spanish dress (visual: imagine salsa and flamenco) and even got a clip with a red rose for my hair! Was also looking forward to catching up with N and S who I had not seen since final exams! It was going to be a girly bonding evening. But, N had to cancel as there was an unexpected family emergency and S was running late. So there I was, all dressed up at the Shangri-La hotel. When I stepped into the ballroom foyer and did a round, I realized that I did not know a soul. Not one! I was looking for someone at least from NUS, no matter how tenuous the connection, but at least the NUS common ground was good enough to start a conversation. But no, not a soul! What to do? Well, decided to snag a drink and people watch. The logic: I'd eventually see someone I know right? Eventually I did, but it took quite a while and in the meantime I was trying to look like I did not crash the wedding banquet!

Eventually, people I knew arrived and off we went to dinner. S was at another table! Sigh. But I soldiered on, determined not to be a wet blanket. At my table, I only knew one person, Chuan, who was an acquaintance from school. But, amazingly, the table conversation became very lively and was a very good accompaniment to the lovely dinner. Eventually I ended up having a very deep and insightful conversation with two of my tablemates on a topic which, according to etiquette, is a no-no: religion. Gregory was a Baptist, Chuan belonged to a Christian church and I was a Catholic, and we had a long and lovely, lovely conversation on volunteerism and faith. I was so touched when, on the way home, Chuan said he was just expecting usual wedding small talk at our table and that it was amazing that he, Gregory and I ended up at the same table, all with such strong, incredible relationships with God and that we had such a wonderful sharing of our faith experiences.

This seemed such a fitting ending to a very spiritually nourishing day. Forced myself out of bed very early to go to mass, then rushed to hear a tremendously gifted South African pastor. Both services were meaningful to me. Yesterday was Corpus Christi and the gospel reminded me of the immensity of God's love for us. From the pastor's preaching I took away this little jewel: the great things come from everyday faithfulness to the small things. Singapore continues to surprise me. It's true. The decision to wake up early to go to mass or to a service to hear a preacher, the decision not to pre-empt evening plans that fall through but to enjoy whatever will come your way, these are decisions on small things that lead to great ones. It is about an attitude to life. The small things count because these are the building blocks to a full and beautifully lived life.

Miles Davis Stages My State of Mind (or What Happens When an Overeducated Bum Uses the Stream of Consciousness Method)

2005-05-23T03:22:00.000+08:00

Music at a very basic level sets the mood. It can create a thick haze perfect for seduction. It can set off your pink and blue endorphins which have no place to go except in the springy bounce of your flip-flop clad feet and in the tossing of your citrus-smelling hair. It can be a swirling kaleidoscope which combined with alcohol sinks you into a funk. But mood is merely reactive. It is the desired effect of the puppet master (a.k.a. the composer). Once you sink into the mood and actually start spinning thoughts in your head, then music has gone beyond passively setting your mood. You have absorbed the music, made it your own, and allowed your neurons to fire and create ideas way beyond the composer’s contemplation. You are no longer merely reacting, you are creating.

At this moment, Miles Davis is setting the stage for my state of mind. It’s a plaintive Miles Davis piece –moody, laid-back, piercing….I know it sounds pretentious, but they don’t call it the blues for nothing. As I said, it goes beyond mood (am not depressed) but more into a state of mind. Picture this: alarm clock glowing 3 a.m., Miles Davis in the background, girl sprawled on bed reading Jeffrey Eugenides’ Middlesex. Miles Davis just sets the perfect stage for any kind of mental intercourse with either yourself or with another. In my bumming state I have the luxury of pursuing these thoughts uninterruptedly. What thoughts are tossing and jockeying for top-dog position in my head? Where has Miles brought me? Like the Pied Piper, I’ve followed him recklessly. I’ve allowed myself to soar, sink, and be soothed…but I’ve gone beyond an emotional connection with Miles. My mind is literally miles away (I could not resist the pun), I’ve started thinking about where I was exactly a year ago. I’m wondering where I’ll be a year from now. These are all against one of my basic rules. Rule 2: Live in the present. But I allow myself this indulgence. After all, I am a teller of tales and tales must exist in some fabric of time: the past, present and future. And Middlesex’ time-lapse technique may have somewhat influenced the way I’ve been processing things lately. Ah, an idle mind is the devil’s playground.

Moi? Let me give you a visual: a tiger frozen in a capsuled moment, whose power is coiled and just waiting for the perfect moment to pounce. I, of course, would never have the gravitas of a tiger. Size and temperament might make me closer to a pussycat, but I am the sole author of my own thought bubble and if frozen, powerful tiger is the image I choose to fill the bubble, so be it! I never said I was not a narcissist. And I dare say, blogging is every narcissist's favorite past time.

I am a nostalgic person. This week’s episode of Cold Case had the detectives solving a Jane Doe death in 1979. The soundtrack was pure retro: England Dan and John Ford Coley’s “I Really Want to See You Tonight”, KC and the Sunshine Band’s “Please Don’t Go” and Bread’s “Goodbye Girl”. It just sucked me in. Hey, they were also employing the time-lapse technique here. Isn’t that interesting? My fiction of choice have been using the time-lapse technique which I’ve been using to reflect on my own journey. Literary techniques as a tool for self-analysis? This is where a Psychology major and an English Lit minor meet.

So where am I? Miles Davis has faded and the long intro to the Dave Matthews Band’s “Seek Up” is soaring from my laptop speakers, over my head, skimming my nape and the small of my back, before disappearing somewhere near my feet. What is the opposite of syncopated? Whatever that word is, it best describes the DMB.

I’ve meandered so much in this entry. Reading it and even writing it is like finding a faint trail in the woods, following it, and finding that it leads to nothing. Am no tease. Totally not the intention. If there is any redeeming value, this entry is a snapshot of my unruly brain at this moment. No beginning, middle or end. Just a trail that twists, disappears, reappears, moving, teasing, but there. My function here (I cannot abide useless things so I’ve got to justify this) is that I’ve just set the mood. Where your own brain takes you after this, is up to you.

Over a bottle of wine: the quality of men, alcohol-induced evenings and real life.

2005-05-10T14:36:00.000+08:00

It appears that Singapore is not the place to be if you are into good boys. Two male friends (who KNOW what the boys have been up to) have told me this.

Why all this sudden interest in the quality of men in Singapore? It's just that I came from an extremely illuminating talk with a guy friend last night. Getting the male perspective on the mad little social circle we've had over the year was very, very interesting. Over a bottle of wine, we had a long discourse over life, love, lust, values, and happiness. What was the great shocker of the evening? The fact that in our circle (which is quite wide and composed of the international graduate students from the different faculties in school) we could only come up with 2 guys who fit into the category of good boys. Shocking! Yes Virgina, time to take off your rose-colored glasses! So what was the standard for good boys? From a male perspective, my drinking bud said it was a guy who treated a girl well or bare minimum, did not cheat on his girlfriend. Leave it to a guy to be very specific about what they mean. So, when we applied the test, only two people met them! TWO!!! Dos!!! It seems that most of our common guy friends had all cheated on their girlfriends. The usual M.O. was to have multiple girlfriends, one back home and one here. Terrible. And then he gave me the lowdown which really broke my heart, "There are very few good boys now."

I pursued this thought long after I went home and today. I could not totally agree with it. There are good boys out there. But this is the key: they were not part of the drinking/partying circuit. I am straddling two worlds here in Singapore: the crazy party circuit (where I have intermittently surfaced and disappeared from depending on my work load and stress level) and my normal life (school, bible study group, Filipino community, and friends in my inner circle). But I do not want to make any hasty generalizations that party boys are bad and non-party boys are good. Totally non sequitur. But it really seems that the good ones steer clear of the wild partying crowd. Something I've learned here is knowing the difference between real life and an alcohol-induced evening. Let me go off track from the "quality of men" issue and dive into the apparently schizo social life here.

Maybe it's because last Saturday was one of the wildest and craziest parties we've had so far. I am not talking wild and crazy by Pinoy standards. It was wild and crazy even by European standards. My friend said he was shocked by how people behaved at his party: people hooking up, stripping, throwing up, and totally losing it. I was pulled out of the party for 2 hours and unfortunately had to take care of some personal business. Imagine my shock when I came back to the party to see EVERYONE practically smashed and irrational. I even had to kick a drunk guy who was hogging the loo. Why do people drink to such excess? My friend's theory? People are leaving and they are going to miss all the fun here so they totally let themselves go. But that party left a bad taste in the mouth, he said because people were doing totally inappropriate things. What did I do when I saw all the craziness? I will admit to having downed quite a few drinks and did not want tempt fate by staying to be part of the bachannalia. So I bid my host adieu, turned down an indecent proposal (because I am a good girl and out of nothing but an archaic sense of chivalry, the details and identity of the culprit will remain a secret) and went home. There is a strange satisfaction in walking away from a situation like that (a zoo really) where you had fun but did not compromise your values or do anything stupid.

So what is real life? That is relative, of course. But my real life is waking up, chatting about the evening's madness with my flatmate, cooking, cleaning the flat, checking up on my family, emailing friends, going to mass, window-shopping and planning my trips and errands for the week. I am a good girl, or at least I try to be. Partying is fun. But the party circuit is not the real world. The party circuit skims the surface. Any apparent friendships struck over laughter and alcohol should be tested in the light of day. Again, boys have a very simplistic test for classifying friends: Would I kill for you? My bud said he has not met any guy here who passes his test. For me, as I said in an earlier entry, I've been pretty lucky with the people who have come into my life in Singapore. I've done a rundown and yes, I have met most of these great people during the non-party, normal phase of my life here. To sum it up, here's a nice litmus test for people: Are they cool even if they're not smashed?

The Music of My Life

2005-04-27T16:02:00.000+08:00

In between cramming for finals, I have been sneaking in chapters of Nick Hornby's "31 Songs" where, as the blurb goes, "Nick Hornby tells us what music means to his life...31 Songs is for Hornby what many of us have always wanted: a soundtrack to accompany life." Imagine my surprise when I found out that the Blogkadahan (a very interesting group blog)topic was "D Music of my Layp." Love for music runs in my family - my maternal grandfather and one of my uncles were radio announcers/disk jockeys, almost everyone on my mother's side has some kind of musical talent. Even my niece TJ belts it out at family parties which is why I got her a mic attached to a little speaker for one of her birthdays.

So, inspired by Hornby (though I could never aspire to the deftness with which he explains the nuances of music) this is my attempt to put into words how music has played a role in my life. Music has highlighted major moments in my life. There are some songs that make me nostalgic, there are some which are still too painful to listen to, there are some which bring me back a beautiful memory. This is the soundtrack of my life.

1. I am the Future of the World - Lilet's Coke ad

My mother thought it would be cool for me to join an amateur singing contest in Harrison Plaza to kill time while she was eating near Rustan's. Being walang-hiya (absolutely without shame) and despite the fact that all the other kids could easily be singing on Bagong Kampyon I signed up, went on stage and sang this song. Of course I did not win. If I did, you think I'd up end up as a lawyer? Ha ha ha! This song will always remind me of my mother's love and belief in me. My mom has never been the overly-protective type. I love the fact that she knew that this would be an interesting experience for me regardless of how well (or badly) I did. There are parents who desperately shield their children from the possibility of pain or disappointment. Not my mom, she knew I did not have a chance but she wanted me to have that moment. It has proven invaluable. I will always remember that moment because I felt no fear or vulnerability. From then on there was a truth about myself that was indelibly imprinted in my mind: I sang for myself not for anyone else. This is why until now, if you hand me a mic, I will sing. This was the moment I became a videoke princess.

2. Let It Shine

St. Scho did a good job of fostering my love for religious music. I remember my elementary school music teacher Ms. Camu holding marathon sessions preparing us for our First Communion. Who would have thought that this song would resonate with me 20 years later:

This little light of mine,
I'm gonna let it shine.
Don't let Satan blow it out,
I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine!

In hindsight, it's a bit freaky for a 10-year old to be singing a song mentioning Satan by name, but now this song reminds me of the reality of spiritual warfare.

3. Longer - Dan Fogelberg

Longer than there’ve been fishes in the ocean
Higher than any bird ever flew
Longer than there’ve been stars up in the heavens
I’ve been in love with you.
Stronger than any mountain cathedral
Truer than any tree ever grew
Deeper than any forest primeval
I am in love with you.

This song is borrowed. My dad loves this old 70's love song so it belongs to the soundtrack of his life. But, I'm adopting in into my soundtrack because this song reminds me that my dad is a 3-dimensional person who had a life, love and other passions before he became my dad. This song helps me see my dad as more than my father. He was the eldest of 3 boys and had to work hard for everything he is enjoying now. There were many challenges for him when he was growing up and this has shaped him into the man that he is. I don't say it often enough but I really love my dad. I know I have special spot for him as his eldest daughter. I think of all his kids, I understand him best. Imagine, it was my dad who did the parental "sex talk" with me! My dad gave me an extra tight hug the first time I left for Singapore. I will always be his daughter no matter how old I am or wherever I decide to go. My dad is so supportive of me and I know he will give me whatever I want because he loves me. *Sniffle* Enuff drama.

4. You - Karen Carpenter

This song was sung to me on bended knee in my kitchen one unforgettable evening. The romance has ended but at that moment, I knew I was the world to this person. I have never quite loved as well or as deeply. I do not know if it is in me to love that way again. There's still a little ache in my heart when I hear this. But songs, like people, have the ability to transform themselves. When I heard this song again a few months ago at a Filipino mass in Singapore I saw it in a new light. Amazingly, the ache was gone. The words still rang true but now it was no longer a love song of a man to a woman, but my love song for God.

You are the one who makes me happy
When everything else turns to gray
Yours is the voice that wakes me mornings
And sends me out into the day.
You are my heart and my soul
my inspiration..
You are one of the few things worth remembering
and since it's all true
How could anyone mean more to me
than you.

5. You Can't Hide - Maktub

You can't hide from everything you are
You can't hide from everything you is
You can't hide me if you love me over here
You can't hide (I will love you over there)

I love the melody of this song- it's fresh, hip and perky. I felt young and on top of the world when I first came to Singapore. I had run away from certain things in my past and Manila had a lot of things I needed some distance from. The beautiful thing is I've gone back to Manila and laid all my ghosts to rest. It's true, you can't hide, specially from yourself. But you can re-invent yourself and when you do, you can make friends with yourself again.

6. Wish You Were Here - Pink Floyd

I was introduced to this song by someone who played a role during an important time in my life. This song reflects a lot of things for me: change, the unexpected, serendipity, chemistry, magic, passion, reality, the possibility of falling in love again. The brief relationship I had while this song was playing taught me how good I was in a relationship. The romantic part of my heart wasn't as dead as I had thought. It's good to know I still have a heart.

And did they get you trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange a walk on part in the war
for a lead role in a cage?
How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,
year after year,
running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears, wish you were here.

7. I've Had the Time of My Life - from Dirty Dancing

At first I thought this song was meant for a certain person. As I had more and more experiences in Singapore, I learned this was indeed the theme song of my Renaissance year. But I dedicate it, not to any person I've met here, but to the one who brought me here so that He could transform me. Guess who He is?

'Cause I had the time of my life
And I've searched through every open door
Till I've found the truth
And I owe it all to you
I've had the time of my life
No I never felt this way before
Yes I swear it's the truth
And I owe it all to you.

Serendipity

2005-04-20T10:25:00.000+08:00

Serendipity - defined as "the faculty or phenomenon of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for".

Serendipity has been bouncing around in my life lately. Maybe the reason I have been experiencing a lot of serendipity is because I have been making a conscious effort to live in the present. To be totally present in the now. I have been soaking up every experience in Singapore - the good, the bad, the ugly - and squeezing every ounce from it. I do not live in the past - that is done, I do not live in the future - that is beyond my control. I choose (or at the very least try very hard) to live in the now.

A few weeks ago, I had to cram a paper for my Infocomms class. I asked my two best buds from school if they wanted to stay overnight in school. So we did! We took over the Student Lounge, brought in our laptops and smuggled in our munchies. You'd probably think we felt like losers but we didn't. We were enjoying each other's company (misery loves company!), the challenge of pushing ourselves, and just experiencing the NUS campus by moonlight. We discovered that bottled Starbucks Frappuccino is available at 7-11 and that the combination of Coke and chocolate is a fantastic wake-upper.

The other day, stressed and staying late in school, we decided to go to one of the on-campus student residences for a late dinner. We bumped into a friend, Anton, and invited him along. The service and food at the restaurant was not great and I could not get any decent dessert so Anton invited us over for ice cream at his place. We ended having lovely ice cream, truffles, red wine, relaxed conversation and chill-out music. There is something to be said for European hospitality and courtesy. That was a lovely and unexpected break. We had a longer dinner than anticipated but I did not realize how much I needed to de-stress. That was truly serendipitous.

Serendipity is the cab driver who will tell you about the history of South Buona Vista Road and how it is now a heritage road. Serendipity is the lovely conversation I had yesterday morning with Edward at the Western Food Stall about ghosts in NUS and why the Philippines is lagging behind its neighbors. Serendipity is getting notes from your bud which is absolutely God-sent and just what you needed for your essay.

Serendipity is also the little coffee shop in Clementi which Nisha, Gauri and I have claimed as our little spot in Singapore. Lipter has been spoiling us (specially his favorite, the Party Princess) and giving us freebies that it was getting really embarassing. Discovering people in Singapore has been like panning for gold. Sometimes you get fool's gold, but, lucky for me, I've been hitting gold lately.

Serendipity does not mean you view life through rose-colored spectacles. It is not a bed of roses. I just got my first ever job rejection in my life! I applied for a job with a top law firm. I had a wonderful interview and they loved my work experience. Unfortunately, they could not offer me the kind of transactional work I used to do in Manila because of the "Singapore-qualified" restriction for the practice of law in Singapore. What they could offer was a backroom operation type of work reserved for "Foreign Professional Lawyers". That involved mostly research work and not the face-to-face with clients that I used to do. That stung. Luckily, I have been through enough life experiences to know that I am not defined by work or status. The only thing that hurt was my pride. But God, friends, ice cream and wine (in that order) can help you put things in perspective. I am lucky to be in a position where I have choices. Whatever materializes (and I'll do my best to land the right job) is where God wants me to go. As simple as that. I choose to be hopeful and positive.

A friend once told me that I had to be open to the kindness of the universe. I truly believe it is a positive attitude that opens you up to receive kindness. I have been happy to have already received so many good things. I hope I can pay it forward and do something serendipitous for someone else. Serendipity abounds! Yes, even in the tiny island of Singapore!

An Adobo-Induced Entry a.k.a. Your Sense of the Absurd Will Save You

2005-04-15T15:09:00.000+08:00

Fine, I said it would be radio silence from hereon 'til finals, pero, what the heck! I have never felt more Pinoy than at this moment: 3 weeks until the end of my LLM and under extreme stress. I miss my mother tongue which is Taglish. Sorry, hindi ako magbabalat-kayo (tama ba?), I am schizo - I can be jologs and prinsesita at the same time. So for this entry, I will indulge in the language of my heart which is colegiala/barok Taglish. Sorry to be so anti-social to my non-Pinoy friends. Just this once.

Pasalamat ako na ako'y Pinoy at ako'y may sense of humor. Honest to God, I just realized iba-iba ang diskarte ng mga tao when it comes to crunch time. Yung mga dilaw na taga PRC subsob sa trabaho at halos di mo maka-usap, verging on praning. Tanungin mo nang simpleng tanong, hayun magpa-panic attack dahil di pa raw na-aaral. Yung mga taga-dito parang mga robot - pasok sa libe ng 9, uwi ng 10 pm. Yung mga Pinoy (well well well, there are only 2 in law school - ako, yung studyante, at si Rena - ang dakilang manunulat) nagluluto ng adobo para mag de-stress at pang contra ng homesickness. At, heto lang masasabi ko, yung Pinoy naka-smile pa rin even if shit has hit the fan. Alam mo kung sino ang nagsa-scandalo sa lobby ng law at sa biz canteen dahil sa halakhakan? You got it right, Rena and me. Sa totoo lang, Singapore can be cold. It just so happens na showbiz ang mga Pinoy kaya madaling mag-fit in sa iba't-ibang klaseng tao.

I tell you, iba ang Pinoy: the humor, the warmth, the people-skills. Ang sabi nga ng good friend ko, "in a cultural vacuum like S--" a smile is a big thing. Who would have known it could potentially wreak so much havoc? Teka, teka, tama na yan. Ang aking buhay pag-ibig ay panandaliang ilalagay ko sa backburner. Masyadong magulo at nakakatuliro, I think I should go back to Pinoys. Or as James said, baka bagay daw sa akin American. I will write about that at another time. Life continues to be intriguing! Eniway, I am excited to go back home and meet up with friends. As in, super! Two weeks lang ako sa Manila kasi kailangan asikasuhin ang aking career moves dito. Possibly returning to the corporate world pare. Hay, pero naroon ang skills ko at kailangan kong mag-ipon.

Patapos na ang aking isang taon bilang studyante sa Singapore. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang susunod na kabanata ng aking buhay. Ako ba'y mananatili rito bilang OFW? Ako ba'y uuwi at babalik sa dati kong office? Mag nursing na lang kaya ako since yung pari sa simbahan dito, every single time na mag-coconfession ako eh ang taong sa akin, "You a nurse?" Hmmm, at mas-transportable ang skills ng nars kaysa abogado!

Hay, mahirap ang buhay na in flux. But oh, may you live in interesting times diba? Sha, balik ako sa pag-aaral. Buti na lang may mga Pinoy akong kasama mamayang gabi. Miss ko na mag-Tagalog. Don't get me wrong, enjoy ako sa buhay sa ibang bansa at sa pakikisalamuha sa mga dayuhan. Paminsan-minsan nga lang, my inner Pinay just needs to be released. This was one of those moments. Hayan, nag-rerelapse na ako into Singapore mode dahil mag-aaral na ako. To end in a very Pinoy way, babuuu!

It's a Madhouse

2005-04-14T12:48:00.000+08:00

Apologies. Will resurface after May 5. Life (in all its colours and permutations) has been whizzing by so quickly and complexly (as opposed to simply, if there is such an adjective) that I have a permanent headache! Channeling all energies to my academic obligations.

Best of luck to everyone.

Shall We Dance?

2005-03-29T13:26:00.000+08:00

I have always loved to dance. I love losing myself in the music and feeling it flow through me. That feeling is magnified when you have the right dance partner. With the perfect rhythm, you move as one. It is beautiful when it comes naturally, when your bodies seamlessly communicate on the dance floor. You do not need to see what the other is doing. All you need to do is maintain eye contact and your bodies will know where to go and how to move. That, I think is the true test of compatibility. Your senses are tinglingly alive, and yet you are strangely in a daze. You are in the middle of such a public place, and yet you are lost in your own world.

There is a basic element of trust involved in a dance. You trust that he won't let you fall when he dips you dangerously close to the floor. You surrender your balance. You have to let go. There is also an element of danger in a dance. The chemistry is electric. Everyone around you feels the vibes you give off. You let each other in, not just in terms of physical space but in each other’s minds. It is an intimacy that goes beyond mere movement.

I found my perfect dance partner in Singapore. We never could understand why dancing together came so easily and naturally. The best dance partners know how to make their partners look good. This he did. In all our pictures together, I was glowing. As with all things chemistry-infused, the dance led to a romance. As with all things that burn brightly and intensely, the romance ended as quickly as it had begun. During one of recent dances together, after we had both tried out dancing with other people, he said, "I know you'll find a man better than me, but you’ll never find anyone who dances with you the way I do." Yes, while we could not be together for long, we knew that the chemistry between us would always be unique and special. He once asked me to “save a little space for me in the collage of your life.” This is my little space dedicated to the beauty and madness of our dance, my dear. I will not forget.

And so, I have whirled around in worldliness. I have tested the waters and allowed myself the freedom and exhilaration of a free-fall. It has been such a wild ride. And yet, we must all go home. Or, another way of looking at it is, we all have to wake up the next day and live our lives. I’m not saying that we should throw away magical moments in favor of the mundane. I live for the magic, but I know that there is more to it than that. In fact, I must disagree with my dance partner, I have found someone else who dances with me in a way no one else can. It is my Maker. Yes, despite the apparent hedonism, scratch beneath the surface and you’ll find a person with a strong yearning for God. I have been blessed with a relationship with God that overrides even the most magical moments on earth. It is amazing that I’ve had both the most exciting, thrilling experiences of this world and the most glorious, illuminating experiences of faith. Let me tell you this. The magical moments of this world are indeed fantastic and mind-blowing. But, the moments I’ve known with my Maker eclipse that. Every pleasure I’ve known on this earth pales to the joy of being with God. I cannot put into words how wonderful it is. That is why I’ve described to you the magical chemistry of the dance. If you felt the wonder, excitement and glory of that worldly romance through my words, then multiply that by a hundred-fold and that will approximate how blissful it is to love and be loved by God. In the end, my perfect dance partner has been leading me since I was born. I have been a difficult dance partner. I have refused to follow His lead, I’ve stepped on His feet, and I’ve even done the unthinkable and tried to run away from Him. Yet, He is always there. I am coming back to Him. I will allow Him to twirl and spin me because I am learning how to trust Him. Now it’s my turn to go to Him with a twinkle in my eye, and an open and trusting heart. I know He will appreciate my forwardness. “Shall we dance, my Lord?”

My Life Measured in Beijing Dumplings

2005-03-24T20:02:00.000+08:00

One of the highlights of my life here in Singapore is the food. I love hawker centers. The variety is mind-boggling and every food trip is an adventure. The uncles and aunties running the food stalls are always more than helpful when you ask them what dishes you must absolutely try. So far, this is how I've attacked hawker centers: see where all the human traffic is and look at what people are eating. But, I digress, this is not about hawker centers, this is about Beijing Dumplings.

I discovered the dumplings during my first sem through my classmate Michael. He was absolutely mad about them. A German addicted to dumplings? Hmmm, matikman nga. They are served only every Thursday and Saturday in the school canteen and are so in demand that supplies can run out by mid-afternoon. When I asked how come they served them only twice a week, auntie flashed me a smile and said, "Too much hard work to make many, many dumplings lah!" Oo nga naman. Every dumpling is made by hand. Mamamatay sila if they serve it everyday.

I mark every week with a Beijing Dumpling date. The auntie who runs the place knows that I'll be there before noon every Thursday for my 10 pcs of dumplings with extra sauce. Pucha, the sauce is marvelous. I have no idea what the concoction is exactly, but my guess is it has onion, garlic, ginger, soy and vinegar. It's heavenly! It transports me from the baduy ambiance of the biz canteen (red and yellow plastic chairs, pare) to an oriental fantasy. Yummy sha! As I was savoring my dumplings this morning, I realized that my dumpling days are numbered! Ilang dumplings na lang bago ako umuwi ng Manila?

And then I had so many other realizations. I had been taking this baduy canteen for granted! I'm going to miss the people here. There's Christine in the fruit stand who greets me by name every morning and knows my fave drink. There's Edward who runs his Western stand like a drill sergeant during lunch hour. He is the most amazing and efficient stall owner I have ever seen. Imagine this: long queue and Edward shouting from behind his counter, "Next please!" You mumble your order, he shouts the short cut of what you've asked for to his wife, then goes along the queue with another "Next please." It is amazing. Every stall holder should take lessons on Edward's efficiency. When the canteen quiets down and I sneak out for a snack, Edward takes time to ask how you are and even discusses the latest headline with you. Imagine my surprise when he asked me how the Church and government debate on population control was going on in the Philippines! Edward's the man! There's the old auntie at the snack stand who, without fail, talks to me in Mandarin every morning and realizes I'm Pinoy every friggin' day! I am going to miss these sweethearts! These people have made Singapore a home for me. It isn't the lovely flat I share with Yuliya that will make my heart ache (although I love my flat). It really is all the wonderful connections I've made here. There's our condo guards Alice and Allen who always wave and say hi when I pass by. There's Thomas who runs the poolside cafe with his mom (who barely speaks English). There's Chee, who I do a walkathon with every morning to the bus stop. I cannot complain about my heavy books and laptop because Chee has his suitcase and his baby daughter in a pram as part of his morning rush. He leaves his daughter at a day care near the bus stop every morning before heading off to work at the Science Park. If I remember correctly, he is some kind of physicist. There's the blonde couple here from Paradise, California (I shit you not) who know me by name but shamefully I've forgotten theirs.

Okay, so there's more to this entry than just dumplings. My life is measured not by dumplings but by the people who've made Singapore not just a country but an experience. Living in a place means making an effort to know the people who usually fade in the background like the security guards or the people in the food stalls. This is the stuff of life, knowing people. I can tell you what Singapore is like conceptually, but that will not capture it. In the same way that a dumpling is just a dumpling, until I explain the ritual behind it, you would not understand its significance. If I've lost you, forgive me, I just came from a very heated and serious discussion/debate on Philippine nationalism with some Pinoy friends and my head is still churning up all sorts of random things. In the end, this much I can say, I will miss Edward, Christine, Alice and Allan, Chee and his daughter, and the auntie at the snack stand. My experience of Singapore goes beyond Orchard Road, the Esplanade, Sentosa or dumplings. My experience of Singapore is measured by people.

I'm Not Screwed-Up, Just Searching

2005-03-23T22:34:00.000+08:00

I write this in mid-air, a trapeze artist waiting with arms outstretched to be caught and swung back to safety. As my comfort music blares from my laptop speakers and my toes finally start to breathe, I realize where I am: 6 weeks from my last exam, 3 exams and 3 papers hanging over my head, not knowing if I'm staying on in Singapore to work or going back to Manila, not knowing if I'm going to Nebraska for a trip I really, really want to take, not knowing if I should pack my bags or start putting up paintings in my flat. I am not indecisive, just undecided.

I've just talked to my headhunter here and she's given me the lowdown on my options. Not being called to the Singapore bar, there are certain constraints on foreign lawyers practicing locally. It's not that my previous work experience is worthless here, but there are concerns about the transportability of my skills. Philippine law is civil law since we were colonized by the Spaniards for 500 plus years. Singapore is a common law jurisdiction. There are significant differences. But, practically speaking, I think Philippine law is a hybrid because of all the American laws we've adopted. She's advised me that the private international law firm and in-house routes are both quite open to me, but will require some skillful maneuvering on my end. Game time. It's good to know that all the Filipino lawyers she's placed on the Singapore job market are all receiving expat/international rates. Although, they had to pay their dues to get where they are now. This means a crappy few years before making the big bucks. It means sacrificing for 3 to 5 years.

Sharmuta! (Arabic curse I've learned from Mohammed). It's not that I'm dodging hard work. I have gone through law school and grad school, I know how to work hard. It's just that I've escaped the corporate rat race in Manila and don't know if my heart's still in it.

I loved my old law firm. It had the largest practice and had won several IFLR awards for deal of the year. Practice was fantastic. It provided the widest exposure to the most exciting deals. It was cutting-edge practice for Manila. I had worked with the best legal minds in the country; had created a niche for myself as the securities princess; had a lovely disposable income to blow on beautiful trips to Boracay, Batanes, Bohol, Baguio, Cebu, Bacolod, Pagudpud, and Iloilo; had a snazzy wardrobe from Theme and Mango; enjoyed weekly massages, facials, manicures and pedicures with my girlfriends; it was a lifestyle of lovely dinners, wine and cheese sessions, and snotty coffee breaks in nearby Greenbelt. But it was a lot of hard work, long hours, late nights, strained relationships, days on end without seeing the sun (pumasok ka ba naman ng 6 am at umuwi ng 3 am!), an on and off relationship with caffeine and nicotine, and turning off your mobile phone on weekends to dodge those sudden conference calls or requests for quick opinions. It was a tough life. It sucked the life out of me. I felt myself aging in that environment. I could feel my world shrinking to my office, my social circle dwindling down to my officemates. It was fantastic to be validated and appreciated, but at what cost? My time was not my own. Vacation leaves planned months again could be cancelled at the last minute if a deal shifted into high gear and you got pulled in. It was a very hard life. If I decide to work in Singapore, it will the same shit in a different country. I just want to be a tai-tai doing pro bono work for the poor and oppressed. Oh, and I want to be a photojournalist/food critic.

Please don't laugh but I want to do something meaningful too. Why stay in another country when your mother country needs you?! Okay, I did give it a try. I worked in the government for a year. Hated it. Loved my boss. He was the voice of reason in the wilderness. Disliked the complacency of my colleagues. I felt like I was the only living person in a morgue! Admin fucked me several times. Lost my statement of assets and liabilities, and screwed up my separation pay.

I have all these energies but cannot seem to fine-tune how I'm going to use them.

Am I going to Nebraska in July? Are my chicken-rice eating days over? Has the title of my blog just become moot and academic?

I'm not screwed-up, just searching for my next step. I have this nasty feeling that if I do not get it right this time I am so going to be "just settling". I do not want to do that.

My Renaissance year is up.

Hello stranger.

2005-03-19T16:31:00.000+08:00

“Hello stranger.” This is the line in “Closer” that marked how the lives of Natalie Portman and Jude Law began to complicatedly intertwine. They began as strangers then became lovers.

And so it is, whether as a lover, friend or best friend, we all start off as strangers. Let me share with you how immensely gifted I have been with the people in my life. Let me begin with one of my best friends.

And so it began with my dearest friend. Who would have known that a cutesy little mutual admiration would transform into one of the most important relationships of our lives? The connection between us was so tenuous. He was a friend of a friend on a very short trip to Manila. We were both on very different journeys, living on different continents, and leading very different lives. And yet, we have unknowingly fallen into this random crack in the universe where we are who we truly are, with no editing, no sugar-coating and have found acceptance and understanding.

He understands me so well. He understands my silence. He understands when I withdraw and escape from the world. He understands my exuberance. He understands why I am the life of the party. He understands why I am the way I am. He understands why I have done the things I’ve done. We can lash out and say really hurtful things to each other, but we allow the air to clear, and then forgive each other. I understand the depths of his heart. I understand his pain. I understand his joys. He runs to me with news of his triumphs, because he knows how happy I am that he is happy. He is the only one I can send an s.o.s. to when I’ve hit rock bottom.

It was never always like this. He was once a stranger. But, when two people connect, the universe has a way of unfolding so many surprises. You explore each other’s depths. More importantly, you explore who you are in the universe in the safety of this little space which only the two of you inhabit. It is a safe place. It is a special place. It can be a little coffee shop in the middle of a bustling mall with Christmas carols playing in the background. It can be your little YM chat room. It can be in the confines of a car in the wee hours of the morning a day before I had to fly out. It can be in a little room in the middle of nowhere. It is wherever he and I decide to be still and examine the chaos in each other’s lives, where we have let each other in despite all the usual fears of giving another person the ammunition to inflict pain. It is where we peel off the layers that society asks us to put on and reveal our true selves.

And so it is, we exist in a place no one else can find. We exist in a relationship that no one else would understand. What is essential is that we exist, we understand, we accept and we are no longer strangers.

And so it is my dear. This is my testament to us.

When was the last time you let a stranger in and allowed each other to evolve into something more?

You must check out “The Blower’s Daughter” which is the title track from Closer. It is a beautiful piece of music.

2005-03-14T20:31:00.000+08:00

Kent Ridge Park

A Little Piece of Paradise

2005-03-14T20:29:00.000+08:00

I claim this spot as my little piece of paradise. I’ve been longing for a place to disappear to. I am a social animal, but sometimes solitude is the best way to get your head back on straight. Back home, Tagaytay was my haven. I’d take the car, turn off my phone, and just drive. The journey was part of the escape. Highway turning into a smaller road, smaller road leading into a path, and before you know it, it’s just you, the lake, the volcano, and the cool breeze. Singapore, being the city-state that it is might be too small a place to do a disappearing act. But, a few weeks ago, I decided to go on a little adventure. I decided to explore the little gate behind my flat. The little gate led to a small open area with a small track oval. On one side of the track I spied a set of steps with a small sign saying, “Look Out Point.” Hmmm, curiouser and curiouser…that means there must be something up there. So off I climbed/trotted/crawled. It was well worth the burning lungs and cramped legs. My first view of the harbor was awesome! I breathed in and out, trying to soak in the view, then I spied another sign, “The Pond”. Hmmm, promising! So, after a few minutes at the top I decided to dash off for further exploration. Thank God everything was going downhill. And then, WOW, I stumbled on a little piece of paradise: trees, pond, sunlight and shadows. It took my breath away! Singapore has again surprised me. I’ve taken a shot and now I’m sharing it with you. Wherever you are, I hope that you too will find your sacred space, your little piece of paradise.

A Series of Unfortunate Events

2005-03-11T01:14:00.000+08:00

First off, I have always been Ms. Sunshine. If there is any silver lining, no matter how thin, I’d be the one to find it. But lately, I’ve been finding myself jinxed too frequently I am really starting to wonder if someone’s been sticking pins into a little Prata Princess doll somewhere out there.

It started when I dropped my phone at Union Square a few weekends ago and lo and behold, tiny pieces of my faithful Nokia skittered across the floor. I admit to having a bit to drink…occupational hazard. Alcohol is truly a little bit of bottled happiness. Squinted at the floor and managed to find all the tiny little pieces…or maybe missed out on one because my phone’s function is now limited to sms-ing. Lucky me, the parents found out and said that they’d get me a new one as my birthday present! So, I was so terribly excited to trade in my old faithful for a snazzy silver, clamshell Nokia. A friend very kindly offered (ahem, was persuaded) to act as courier. We agreed to meet at 1 o’ clock somewhere in school. Aba naman, by 1:45 the mantra, “My new phone is somewhere in this building” was starting to wear thin. Could not call him because my phone was busted. He was not replying to my sms. And, I was sick so I went to school by cab. I went home, phoneless, by cab again. And cabs are very pricey here! He called 2 hours later apologizing for being pulled into a meeting. I could not get mad because I know what it’s like to be a cog in a big corporate machine, with no control over your time or destiny. But, we can talk about that another time. Anyway, we agreed to meet up again and this time I got my phone. Ngunit, ba’t subalit…when I saw the box, my heart raced, it said “Globe Prepaid.” Patay! I resisted sticking in my SingTel sim in the phone while in the cab lest I have another accident. When I got home my worst fears were confirmed…sim-locked! Ahay….

Let’s go to my health. Have been sick on and off for the past two weeks. Got a bug, passed it on to someone, shook it off, bug ping-ponged back to me with a vengeance! As in, was stuck in the house for 2 whole days. That’s two whole days lost! And I have not been THIS sick in a long time.

Let’s go to work. Since I was sick, I missed some classes and a group meeting which I set up. I smsd a groupmate asking her to tell everyone I was sick…Unbelievable, she was sick too and was only able to tell me when the meeting was about to start. In short, 2 people disappeared without a word. My other groupmates were not happy. Got a scathing e-mail. I totally understand where they were coming from. It’s never good to feel ditched, specially if it’s work. So, resisted all temptations to e-mail back, “I was sick you bloody kiasu Singaporeans. Could not get out of bed…ubuhan ko kayo dyan eh.” Instead, decided to just do the work and prepare for the re-set meeting. It’s a good thing I kept my mouth shut because the next day, there was no tension at all during the meeting. In fact, we were quite productive. It was as if nothing happened. Oh, di fine. Our in-class exercise (negotiating an underwriting agreement) went exceedingly well.

So, went home, happy to have some time to catch up on the school work I missed while sick and to catch up on the papers whose due dates were looming ominously. I took a peek at my assignments for next week and freaked out. Bloody hell, my group was singled out to prepare a deal structure due next Friday which everyone else in class is supposed to critique! Mudder fudder….why us? Of all the 8 groups in class…why???? Wala akong masabi! Went into alpha female mode and e-mailed my groupmates….two minutes later I got a reply from one of them saying, “That’s it…I’m hiding out in the remote jungles of Africa.” I countered with, “Do you think there’s a group discount to Africa?”

Do you know if there’s a group discount to Africa?

All Things Bright and Beautiful

2005-03-08T19:45:00.001+08:00

Singapore is an amazing place. Some people find it too sterile and manicured. But, to those of us who are O.C. (obsessive-compulsive), the order and cleanliness is really appealing. Plus, I always feel safe here. This is one of the few places where a girl can go clubbing until 4 a.m. with no fear.

I, for one, love the fact that Singapore is flexing its muscle in the arts and culture department. There is always some free concert at the Esplanade or at the NUS University Theatre. For those who love theatre, they just staged Mamma Mia a few months ago and it was truly fabulous. Imagine the entire audience grooving to Dancing Queen (a Pinoy videoke standard!) at the end. Had a mind-expanding experience at the Botero exhibit at the Singapore Art Museum a few weeks ago. They not only brought in his paintings and small sculptures, they brought in the humungous ones and displayed them at Changi, the Esplanade and Orchard Road. These are the things you will (sadly) not experience back home. Womad or the World of Music, Arts and Dance Festival was such an out-of-this-world experience as well. They had acts from all over the world performing at Fort Canning. It was such a multi-cultural experience for me. I found myself grooving to the music of a French-Cameroon band with friends from the Ukraine, Switzerland, India and Italy.

If there is another thing I love about Singapore is that it truly is a melting pot of cultures. I have been very lucky with the people I've met here: my two best friends in school are Indian and Chinese Singaporean, I've found fabulous drinking buddies in my German classmates (I do not even attempt to outdrink these people!), I've learned (the hard way) to never allow a Frenchman to mix your drinks (the splitting headache the morning after...nuff said); my best dance partner ever here was a mad Indian sweetie; there's a sweet American girl who sings "Barbie Girl" like it was written for her; an Italian friend won a sausage-eating contest despite all my admonitions that it would bring his "manhood" into question; a Finnish classmate who is serious by day, turns into a party animal by moonlight as we discovered during my birthday party; and there's my lovely Ukrainian flatmate who absolutely freaks out when she sees any type of insect. There are many differences, but I've discovered a lot of similarities as well. It has been enriching to be with so many kinds of people.

A Pinay girl who loves dancing will definitely enjoy the nightlife in Singapore. Among my current faves are BarNone at the Marriot, New Asia at the Swissotel, Brix, Insomnia and OneNightStand. Have also discovered a fantastic salsa club called Union Square at the Amara Hotel. Seriously, you can dance with complete strangers here and it's totally okay. Of course, you should know how to take care of yourself when someone gets too fresh. I have mastered the dance step called "Smile-and-Turn-Your-Back" on fellows who get too frisky. This is the place where a girl can get kissed on the hand and be called, "The most beautiful creature I've ever seen" by the yummiest ang mohs! Just don't take anything too seriously, remember your values (whatever they may be), and you'll be fine. Have not heard any cases of drinks being tampered with, but a girl should always watch her glass or drink with people you trust.

Of course every place has its dark underbelly. As with all things bright and beautiful, there will always be a balancing counter-point. This is a place where prostitution is legal. For the high end market they've got Orchard Towers, for someone on a budget, head on over to Geylang. Abortion is legal as well.

What a girl learns living away from the comforts of home is not so much about the world, but about herself. You learn what is acceptable to you, you more clearly define (or re-define) your core values, you discover things you can compromise and what are totally non-negotiable, and you get to chip away your old prejudices. I will confess, I was once a racist and ageist. After dating someone out of my "usual" age and race (which freaked out some people back home), I have totally become an "equal opportunity dater"! One of the weirdest experiences I've had here was one wonderful night where I went to an Indian Sangeet (bridal shower), dressed in an authentic salvar kameez (traditional Indian outfit), ate fabulous North Indian cuisine, danced like mad to Hindi music, then watched Bride and Prejudice, all this with an Indian guy I was dating at that time. I have been "rescued" from unfortunate events by a dear German friend and a Pinoy bud. Truly, kindness and decency are universal values. I think it's important to keep a balance between maintaining your values and being open to experiences and people out of your usual comfort zone. For me, this has been a time to go a little bit crazy while I test where my comfort zone ends. The madness is not over and the adventure continues. Let's see how deep the rabbit hole goes....

2005-03-08T19:45:00.000+08:00

The Dancers by Botero

What Planet Are You From?

2005-03-02T23:37:00.000+08:00

You Are From Venus

You love all forms of beauty. You love dressing up and anything luxurious.
A social butterfly, you're incredibly popular and a great host.
You're known for your fairness and affection. And as a friend to all.
Careful though! You're desire to please may make you too willing to conform.
Be yourself. Focus on what matters to you. You'll be all the more popular for it.

What Planet Are You From?

How are you writing your personal legend?

2005-02-28T14:44:00.000+08:00

I am at home...sick. I missed mass yesterday. As I write, I am missing my favorite class with my favorite prof (yes, such a nerd). The highlight of my day thus far has been watching people being validated and honored for doing things which they are passionate about at the Oscars. People who get to do what they love to do everyday are very, very lucky. *Sigh* Forgive me if I am in a semi-melancholy mood. I really hate being sick and loaded with work at that. Have attacked some chocolates (a few Godivas and my ever favorite ChocNut)and they have worked at upping my mood a bit.

A few days ago, a friend wrote me a heart-breaking letter saying how deeply unhappy he was despite having a seemingly "perfect" life. Another dear friend had just come from a very sad breakup with the man whom she thought would be her partner for life. Everyone it seems, is finding happiness elusive. I am a happy spirit most of the time. Although I have my moments like today when I just want to shut out the world because my bones, throat and head hurt. Happiness? I have no idea. I did not quite know how to write back to my friend so I prayed and reflected a bit. I'd like to think this represents my 2 cents' worth on the topic of the pursuit of happiness, but I have a feeling these words are not from me....

Dear ______________,

Your spirit obviously yearns for something more but you do not know what it is. You have to learn to be still and listen to the desires of your heart because that is where your spirit is. Do not drown it out with meaningless busyness (or loud music). The charade of everyday living will not cover up the vacuum that you know is inside of you.

Yes, you did tell me that sometimes you felt you were walking a thin line between rationality and insanity. This comes from a feeling of emptiness. We all want to be happy, but the pursuit of temporary, ephemeral pleasures may not be the answer. There is something more out there. Something real and true, whether you believe it or not. It is hard to seek what is essential in a world that values wealth, success and all the trappings of a good life.

I think happiness is merely a by-product of doing whatever it is you are meant to do. We all have a purpose in life and we must fulfill that purpose. Otherwise, we will always be antsy, unsatisfied, unfulfilled, and always looking for something else to fill the void. The void can be filled, temporarily. You can always buy happiness, temporarily. There are many things out there that can make us happy, temporarily. But, do not be satisfied with temporary joys. Find your true purpose and you will find true and lasting happiness. It is not an easy formula. That is what I am trying to do with my life.

What are your dreams? Our dreams have a way of shaping our lives; they have a way of defining us. So be careful about the dreams you choose.

You have to find out what defines you ____________. Just know that there is something more out there, much bigger than you or me.

P.S. Know that I will pray for you. Even if you do not believe in God, I do, very, very much. My relationship with Him defines me.

---------------------------------
What are your thoughts on happiness? Let me know. (Try to) have a great week!

The Prissy, Picky and Phlegmatic Prata Princess

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

2005-02-24T15:18:00.000+08:00

Your Dominant Intelligence is Linguistic Intelligence

You are excellent with words and language. You explain yourself well.
An elegant speaker, you can converse well with anyone on the fly.
You are also good at remembering information and convicing someone of your point of view.
A master of creative phrasing and unique words, you enjoy expanding your vocabulary.

You would make a fantastic poet, journalist, writer, teacher, lawyer, politician, or translator.

What Kind of Intelligence Do You Have?

A Marathon Flashback

2005-02-24T12:00:00.000+08:00

We all have our unique experiences which mold us into who we are today. I am refreshing my own memories in recalling the experiences that have brought me here. So I will do a series of short flashbacks to stage the scene for the Sizzling in Singapore diaries.

When my Saturn Return began, I literally felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I began questioning everything in my life. On paper, everything seemed purrrfect. Everything had come very easily to me - I had never had problems in school, never caused my parents grief, and I always got what I wanted. I was the model child. I never was the pretty one, but that did not really bother me as I had a very inflated sense of self. After all, I was the eldest child among 4 girls and that meant that I was the alpha female of the house. I had sailed through elementary and high school fabulously. I was an honors student and editor-in-chief of my paper without really having to do much. My best friend was a great guy who was also my prom date. Life was good.

Then I went to university and what a mind-blowing experience that was. I still believe that U.P. is the center of the universe. That place has a vibe that I feel even until now when I visit. I loved the courses I was taking! I was a Psych major, "minoring" in English lit. I was learning Shakespeare! I even took a Science Fiction class where we analyzed Blade Runner! I was living semi-independently, dormer by week and going home on weekends. I met weird people and learned so much more about myself. I had my share of firsts in the romance department, which all ended up in disappointments. But, hey, I was in U.P. and I was so in love with learning and reveling in all my new experiences after years of being cloistered in an all-girls high school! I was having a ball going to poetry readings, smuggling in alcohol in the dorm and getting busted for it, smuggling in alcohol into the Sunken Garden and getting smashed while staring at the stars, debating with other whacked out students, watching uncensored and mind(among other senses)-expanding plays (and when you've seen a U.P. stage performance like M. Butterfly, you know what I mean), and catching alternative rock groups make it big (we saw the birth of the Eraserheads). I met my best friend Lisa who will always be a soul sister no matter how far apart we are. I was with the mojo-clad, t-shirt and jeans crowd that was my tribe and I was having the time of my life.

From the bohemian vibe of the university, I entered law school. Law school was my first real challenge. I actually had to study. Hard. The traditional Socratic Method of teaching ensured that I felt like throwing up everyday during my first week of classes. Everytime I'd be called for recitation I would shoot out of my chair as I were being ejected from a fighter plane. That was a very bad first week of classes. The typical law student lifestyle? Tons of cases and laws to read (and understand!) then off to class where you could be grilled anytime from between 2 minutes to 2 hours! I am not normally praning but I developed hyper-acidity towards the end of law school. Imagine being subjected to that kind of stress for 4 years. And I had to defend a friggin’ legal thesis at the end of it to a panel composed of the country’s best legal minds (hello Fr. B)! But the mind and heart are quite adaptable and after all that, the lifestyle does not faze you. You learn to accept that there are good days and bad. On a good day, you can get away with winging it even if you have not read a page. On a bad day, your prof will know you are feeding him bulls--- and will publicly humiliate you. You develop a thick skin. Insults just roll off you. This is why some lawyers have an attitude problem! Ha ha ha. I also found love in the law school. I met and fell in love with a quiet, unassuming, chain-smoking guy who made me fairly happy over the next 8 years. Law school was a character-building phase of life. I met its challenges, found love, passed with honors, and hurdled the Bar Exams. The Bar! That is another experience altogether and deserves its own entry.

So, there I was: aced law school, had a happy home life, had a loving and supportive boyfriend who I had shared good and bad times with, and was poised to take off my legal career in one of the biggest law firms in the country. What more can a princess ask for? Answer: a lot. In hindsight, this bit of wisdom now comes to mind:

“Our dreams have a way of shaping our lives; they have a way of defining us. So be careful about the dreams you choose.” – Johnny Go, S.J.

More flashbacks to come. Abangan ang susunod na kabanata!

A Room with a View...My First Night in Singapore

2005-02-24T00:30:00.000+08:00

room with a view...my first night in singapore.

A Way Overdue Blog

2005-02-23T20:13:00.000+08:00

I should have started this blog when I first got to Singapore 7 months ago. Well, better later than never. I have always been a late bloomer so this is consistent with my life story! I intend to chronicle how I spent my Renaissance year. Why Renaissance? Well, I have always lived according to the rule book: perfect grades, perfect school, seemingly perfect boyfriend, perfect career. Well, in 2003 I started shaking life up as I approached my Saturn Return. I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years, quit my high-profile corporate job and shifted gears. No, this is not a sob story kind of blog...this is a story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world! Ha ha ha..no, this is the story of a girl who is trying to live life on her terms, away from all expectations. There is a term for that stage in life when people are approaching their 30th year, it's called the "Saturn Return". The Saturn Return is a coming of age, when we define ourselves and understand our place under the sun. I am living away from my family, pushing my limits and trying to find out the next step in life. Welcome to my world.