Mga Hang Up ng Panganay

One of my roles in life is being "ate" to three sisters. To be brutally honest, this is a role I have neglected. The thing is, I've never really been called upon to fill in this position. As children, I'd be the responsible ate when the parents were away but that responsibility slowly lifted when I went off to university and lived on-campus for four years. After that, I was sucked into the black hole that is law school and only reclaimed my life after another four years. By then, I was in the middle of a very serious relationship and was psyching myself to pass the bar and join the best law firm in Manila. That left very little time for my sisters, who in the meantime, had claimed their lives with friends and school. I was the stranger who stumbled in exhausted late at night and commandeered the remote control on weekends.

Then tragedy struck when one of my sisters was diagnosed with a life-altering illness. I saw how my sister who was closest to her suffered tremendously. I saw how my parents were shattered. I was simply in denial. These things happened in movies, they happened to other people but not to me. Selfishly, all I could think of was how this how would affect my life. I saw it as a burden. It is still something I struggle with. But strangely, it was this tragedy that brought me closer to my other sisters. We cried, we strugged, we survived - as sisters.

This tragedy allowed me to see my biggest obstacle, which was my hang up about the supposed superiority of being the "oldest sister". As the eldest, I always carried a sense of confidence and self-entitlement that, unfortunately, my parents reinforced. My sisters always sensed this, hence, the slight resentment. Frankly, I was the center of my universe. It was when I learned to let go about my preconceived notions about being the ate and focused more on being a friend that my relationships with my sisters deepened. Paradoxically, being in Singapore has helped, more than hindered our relationship. Since I took up so much "space" and attention in the family, my leaving Manila allowed my sisters to step up and fill in the "void" that I left. I noticed the subtleties in the interactions between my sisters and my parents and realised that my absence allowed them to breathe.

I dedicate this blog to my sisters. I may not always be the ate you deserve and I know that I can do better, but I am thankful that God has brought you into my life as my sisters. You challenge me to be a more generous person. I am with you sa hirap at sa ginhawa....hay, time to bring out the box of tissues.

Mooing into 2007

Spent two weeks in Manila. Not too long, not too short....just right.

In previous years I've been totally O.C. about my holidays. I would send an email announcing my return and fix up dates with friends to meet up. This year however, I had no inclination to book (or rather overbook) my holiday and just decided to play it by ear. My decision not to make plans ahead of time paid off big time as I ended up spending a few days in Boracay (unplanned gimmicks are the best!) spending quality time with my cousins and my 8-month old niece. Boracay is still beautiful. The sand is whiter and softer than I remember.

Lesson: Don't overplan. Leave enough spaces for other things or people to fill.

I'm taking this philosophy with me in 2007, which so far is shaping up well. By not cramming my days with too many things to do, I allow myself to be available to other people. It also gives me more time for me. That's why I feel very rested over this weekend. I cleaned the house, made Waldorf salad, hosted Biblia, went to mass, watched Season 3 of Grey's, called my mom, emailed friends, talked to a friend who I was mad at but had eventually forgiven, and just chilled out.

Spiritually, it's also been good. I've been journaling every night and Biblia is still very much a major part of my life. The first Biblia of the year was held in my house and it was good to reconnect with my Biblia family.

Health-wise I've been to the gym at least 4 times already. It takes what, 30 days, to create a habit? Well that's the plan to get myself back in shape. I've done 2 cardio sessions and 2 yoga classes. I've forgotten how fantastic I feel after a good yoga session. Which is probably why insomnia is now a thing of the past as I am now asleep within 5 minutes of hitting the bed.

I've even wisened up financially. Roomie and I each got ourselves a piggy bank (well mine's a cow which moos when you drop coins in, hers oinks) and have resolved to put at least $2 a day. I've been very good thus far: no cab rides and no fancy lunches. The plan is to moo my way into 2007.

That's the story 14 days into the new year. Let's see what and who will fill the spaces that I'm keeping open.