Confessions of an Ex-Fattie

I've disappeared from the blogosphere due to every adult's undeniable reality: work!

This blog has been long brewing in my head and is about something I've buried along with my unsavory past. There are parts which might be offensive so if you have issues about your weight, I suggest you stop reading here until I come up with another more Pleasantville type of blog. I will confess to something that people who know me now will find hard to believe....I was a fattie!

Yes, once upon a time, specifically 30 lbs ago, I was$ overweight. And for someone who's 5 feet flat there are no places to hide fat. Fat, fat, fat. I was fat. There is no cute word for it. I was a fat girl.

I was actually a very happy fattie. The main reason I gained weight? Again, another embarassing confession which I would never have admitted before....love! It was actually kinda cute. M and I fell in love, bonded through food and both became a rolly polly couple. Our idea of fun was to discover food havens that only true foodies would know about. We were devoted fans of Doreen Fernandez and would troop to the latest resto she'd recommend. Also, there is something very warm and fuzzy about being in a very secure long-term relationship that really just lends itself well to gaining weight.

How did I lose it? Again another big confession...heartbreak. Only heartbreak could make me look at food like an enemy. Only heartbreak would make me pound away on a Stairmaster in true Bridget Jones fashion. It was in fact an old joke M and I had. I used to tease him that I'd probably lose weight if we broke up. His retort would always be wouldn't you rather have me and be happy than be skinny? Sweet but, darn it, after everything I've been through and if I'd know better, I would choose skinny!!!!

In fact, I was never self-conscious about being a fattie until I faced heartbreak. Maybe being with someone in the haven of an almost-married type of relationship made me feel like I was loved for who I was anyway so no need to try so hard. Well, after being thrust into the cruel world of singleton again (which I never thought I'd return to), I surveyed the world and decided that the only way to survive an earth-shattering break-up would be to start dating. Reality check, looks matter. I was never going to be confident if I could not fit into the "dating clothes" that I had in mind. So, Fitness First became my second home, and the yoga ohm became my mantra. I lost it all in 6 months. I knew I had succeeded when I shocked my old officemates, when an ex-client did not recognize me, and when I had to get rid of every single item in my closet.

How does it feel now. Very different. Am vainer. There is a consciousness that comes with losing weight. It is because the world responds very differently to people who are not fat. Sad, but very true. Maybe a better way to put it would be that the world responds very differently to people who are confident. Maybe? But it sounds too PC and I don't buy it. The world will always be subtly anti-fattie. How can I sugar-coat this truth? When an extremely huge person goes on these reality shows, I must admit that a remark worthy of Simon's calibre (which I must always salute for wit and truth) is always at the back of my head. I always assume that the fattie will be voted off!

For the modern world that has the attention span of a 5 year old , fattie will always be an easy label to use. I am not saying that no one ever goes beyond what is skin deep but given the multitude of things competing for our interests and our very limited time, how many of us will be able to delve beneath the surface of a relationship and really get to know someone? How many people do we have the time to do that with? For the others who we will run out of time or opportunity to get to know, fat will be a convenient label.

I am not cruel, it is the world which is cruel. How do change that kind of mindset? You can try but it's hard. Why? Because being fat just does not work. Fat is not just a color (I'm not too much of a racist) but is something almost undebatably unappealing.

Hmmm, sounds like I hated being fat. Maybe I really did but my denial has become so deeply ingrained that I can no longer retrieve it. I don't remember being unhappy about my weight then. But now that I've lost weight and seen how well the world treats slim people, what can I say? I must be honest. The world loves skinny! Do I want to be adored by the world? Come on. We may not actually court the world's admiration but it feels darned good when the world confirms our worth.

Maybe I should pray and ask God what he makes of this....